I AM A WILD FIRE AND YOU WILL NEVER PUT ME OUT AGAIN
COAST WOMAN’S DEFIANT WORDS JUST METRES FROM THE MONSTER WHO RAPED HER I hate my arms for not being able to fight for me. I hate my legs for not being able to kick you off. I hate my mind for not figuring out a way to get you off me. I hate that in the en
SHE was sitting less than five metres from the rapist who, in her own extraordinary words, tore a hole in her soul.
But in 10 minutes of courageous defiance in Southport District Court No.14 yesterday, she spoke of her ordeal with such power and clarity that it will stand as a testament to the evil nature of sexual assault and the damage it wreaks.
Nathan Teece, 31, was yesterday sentenced to seven years jail for raping the woman, who he attacked while she was sleeping in a bedroom at a party at Burleigh in February 2016.
Teece attacked the woman while her husband was downstairs at the party.
Yesterday, he gazed straight ahead as the victim delivered her impact statement. “I want to confront you,’’ she said. “No matter what lies you tell, we both know what happened that night.’’
I FEEL like I died that day. You shushed me. I screamed out and you literally shushed me. You were so calm, as if you were doing nothing wrong. Your hand was tight over my mouth and you continued to shush me. With that you muted me completely. You decided that I didn’t need to be heard. I was gone. The person you see now is just a tiny fraction of who I once was. I am a sad, anxious broken piece of a once whole person.
I’m constantly told things like “don’t let if change you” or “don’t let him win”. Hearing that makes me so angry. I AM different, and I have changed. You haven’t won; but I have lost. I’ve lost parts of myself. I’ve lost my trust, my security and my control. In that moment I was trapped in my own head. I was no longer in charge of my body or who could enter it. You never ever deserved to be even close to me. But you were. You took me anyway.
I cannot even walk into a store by myself. I am scared of people and scared of life. The worst possible thing that could happen to me did. This just leaves me expecting that bad things will happened now. Why won’t they? I never in a million years thought I would be raped. I was in the safest place possible. I was with people I knew and trusted. (My husband) was right there, just down the staircase. And yet, no one could save me.
I feel weak because I wasn’t able to defend myself when no one else could. No amount of self-defence classes could have prepared me or changed the outcome. This is what terrifies me the most. I was in a safe place. I was always a weary and aware person; I was not naïve to the worst around me. I would always look out for other women and try to be their protector. Yet, I couldn’t protect myself and it kills me. Every piece of my being wishes so desperately that I could have pulled or pushed my arm out, or somehow kicked you. At least once, one ounce of retaliation, but I couldn’t. I wish I could have left a mark on your body. Yet no amount of scratches or kicks could have come close to the unseen marks you’ve left on mine. I actually struggled to say that, my body? Really it’s mine? But I don’t want it anymore.
I walked through the hospital in a huge blue MAT suit as if I was carrying a contagious virus. It was humiliating. Everyone was looking at me. It felt like an eternity walking through corridor upon corridor. We went up the stairs and turned a corner. We were here. No one had to tell me that we were here. I saw the sign, in bold, capital letters above the doors — SEXUAL ASSAULT VICTIMS UNIT. I cried, I felt like I was going to collapse right where I was. I had managed to keep it together for the hour car journey, but now I’d seen it in writing. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was now a victim of sexual assault. Even that wording sounds too light. I was a victim of rape.
I was handed a small toiletry bag to use and keep. It contained a shower cap. I didn’t use it. I wanted to scrub off any trace of you, your breath on my head, your saliva or hair in mine. I felt sick. There was mouthwash, a comb and a bar of soap. I think a jug of disinfectant would have been more appropriate. The bag made me angry. It was sort of like a goodie bag. Why would I want to keep any of this stuff? I stood there under the running water. I didn’t cry. I just stood there. I stared down at my feet knowing I would now be the girl who was raped. I didn’t want my body any more. I didn’t want my husband to have this tarnished and ruined body. I threw the bag away. I wished I could have left my body there too.
As I write this now it’s hard to look at my body. I hate my arms for not being able to fight for me. I hate my legs for not being able to kick you off. I hate my mind for not figuring out a way to get you off of me. I hate that in the end I just had to wait for you to decide when it was over.
Five months on and I believed I was ready to become part of society again. I managed to get myself a great job. I was so caught up in it all. It felt nice to be wanted. How I view myself changed dramatically since it happened. You stole my confidence. I was over the moon that I managed to get myself such a great job. On my first day of orientation I sat in a room of 20 people. I laughed, I made friends, and people gave me compliments. I felt like I had fooled everyone. I felt like a liar when I had to talk about myself. I just wanted to scream. I spent all day trying to hide the uncontrollable shaking of my hands. I drank three bottles of water just for something to do with my hands. Every time I went to the bathroom I felt like someone was waiting or would come in and attack me. I smiled at people today. I walked with my head up, I acted confident. I spoke to large groups of people. Someone even told me I was pretty, someone even said I had a lovely energy. I went home and cried. I fooled everyone today. I’m not OK.
Unlike the expectations of a victim, I am desperate to see your face. I want to confront you. I want to look at you and know that no matter what lies you tell, we both know what happened that night.
At what point did you decide that your desires or need for power surpassed my right to control over my own body? It pains me to think that it could have been my beautiful free-spirited (name redacted), who may have been the victim if not me.
I know that I will forever be affected by what you have done to me. I will always have this hole in my soul, where you took something precious from me. Somehow, I am strong enough to fight this battle each day, and I will make sure that the future looks different for all women. That we will be able to feel a little safer, and a lot stronger, that nothing will vanquish us. I will educate myself, I will advocate for others and I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.
I started this statement with the honest pain I felt constantly for two years. I will never understand you, or why you did what you did. You may continue to tell yourself that you are not in that group, that you are not a rapist, but you are. You will have to live with that, and that is your cross to bear. I forgive you in a way that I have separated myself from the anger I constantly felt towards you. I feel at peace now, I am no longer sinking, my head is above water. I still will have those days where I sink back into feeling broken; but I am determined and I will empower myself. I am a wild fire, and you will never put me out again.