How about we back off on the mum judgement
MEGHAN Markle, welcome to motherhood.
The Duchess of Sussex may have another 28 weeks until she releases a new royal, but she’s already experiencing the true nature of being a mum … being judged.
According to the always lovely experts on Twitter, the general advice for Meghan is to “suck it up, princess”, after it was announced she would be taking a break from some official engagements due to exhaustion.
There were messages from the men: “She makes some public events and it’s ‘overdoing it’. Christ, she wants to get into the real world of working full time, having a toddler and a house to run.”
And equally charming support from the women: “OM(expletive) G, she’s only pregnant, not ill. Through my pregnancies I worked in a factory making clothes for M&S and I slogged my guts out from 8-4.30 on a machine, and my maternity didn’t start until you were 36-37 weeks and I went back to work when my son was 8 wks …”
I mean, at least there’s gender equality among the trolls.
The common theme appears to be anger at her perceived privilege.
After all, not many mothers among us have had the option to skip out on duties when pregnant. There were jobs to do, dinners to cook, other children to keep alive …
But if we were given the opportunity, I’m pretty sure most of us would have seized the chance to put our swollen feet up with both exhausted hands.
Just because we’re expected to soldier through nine months of inner-alien growth with a smile on our faces and nary a complaint on our lips, doesn’t mean it’s right.
So maybe we’re just jealous?
However, I have heard a rumour that for some mumsto-be, pregnancy is actually enjoyable. (All I can say is I hope those mothers’ children grew into right royal terrors because that is just not fair. I’m not judging. Just ill-wishing.)
In that case, perhaps some of the Markle malevolence is based on simple misunderstanding – they’re judging her pregnancy on their own experience.
Given the differences between my own two pregnancies, I don’t see how this is fair.
With my first child, I puffed up like the Michelin Man about five minutes after conception and it did not stop.
I felt constantly queasy and none of my favourite dishes even tasted like food anymore – yet I never vomited. I felt this was particularly unfair as a) you always feel better after a good throw-up and b) it might have helped ease the Michelin effect.
Alas, no.
I had to stop working about six weeks before my due date because movement was such an effort. As I waddled my last steps out of the office, a coworker quietly expressed his relief that he wouldn’t have to watch me walk anymore as I looked like I’d been taken advantage of by a donkey. Nice.
(I’d also like to add that my baby weighed almost 10lbs and I’m 162cm tall on a good day … so that colleague’s assessment was actually fairly accurate.)
Second pregnancy? Lots of vomit, little weight gain, plenty of energy and I was walking miles just days before delivery.
But look, this is not breaking news – anyone who has been pregnant, who knows someone who has been pregnant, knows that every pregnancy is different.
So why do we do this to each other? Why do we judge mothers other on what they do and don’t do?
Guilt.
I have never felt more judged, more scrutinised or more defensive than when I became a mother.
I didn’t feel judged by my children. After all, I was the milk-maker, therefore awesome. Not by my husband either. After all, you should have seen the cans that milk came in.
Instead, I felt judged every time I needed to breastfeed a child somewhere that was not my own home.
I felt judged every time I fed my child out of a jar. Or when I didn’t return to work. Or when I did return to work. We judge mums because we’re so worried we’re doing it wrong.
That woman who slammed the Duchess, who tweeted that she worked in a factory until 37 weeks and then returned when the baby was eight weeks old? I don’t think she’s really angry that Meghan gets to take a break. I think she feels angry – and guilty – that she didn’t.
She shouldn’t feel bad … you do what you have to/need to/want to do. But the judgement of others gives birth to our own guilt.
Hopefully Meghan will have the true privilege to abort that feeling, but judging by Twitter … I doubt it.
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