SWING THE LOVE OUR WAY
DESPITE the headlines, this city ain’t no swingers’ paradise.
Correction: for those who like to swap sexual partners, apparently the Gold Coast really does hold the key to satisfaction (in a bowl, obviously); but for those who like to swap political parties, there is no happy ending.
No matter whether we opt for the guy on the Right or the dude on the Left, voters on the Gold Coast can’t help but feel that both prospects just aren’t that into us.
We’re like the guy with a small, um, appendage at a Hope Island party … nobody wants to play with us.
But no matter how desperate we may be, we’ll never opt for that freak in the corner – yep, looking at you, Fraser Anning.
Thus far, this has truly been an anticlimactic election campaign.
Why?
There’s nothing in it for us. Neither major party is interested in servicing our needs and desires.
Destination Gold Coast CEO Annaliese Battista may be new to our city but she has the political climate perfectly summed up already, saying she was stunned by how “under-invested” the Federal Government was in the city.
“What is very clear to me is there are some vital infrastructure projects that are not receiving the Federal Government’s attention, irrespective of which party is in power or has a stronghold on the Coast, and I think that’s a great shame,” she says.
“It’s been fascinating for me as a relative newcomer how under-invested the Federal Government has been in the Gold Coast and I know that’s because for one side of politics it’s safe and for the other side it’s unwinnable.”
Yes. YES. YES!!! Annaliese has really hit the spot.
As she points out, the Gold Coast is the fourth-largest tourism region in Australia – and both political parties are coming out on platforms about increasing domestic tourism – but nobody actually wants to commit to us.
Typical.
The GC may have a reputation as all glitz and glamour, but can’t we expect a little wining and dining from those who just want to get us into a booth?
At least fill us with promises of tram lines, new hospitals and road upgrades before we take the plunge.
Then, of course, the question will be: will you still fund me tomorrow?
Added to that, the problem for us swingers is that we’re being forced to choose between two most unsuitable suitors. Not only do they not particularly care for us, we don’t really care for them, either.
Neither Bill Shorten nor Scott Morrison are exactly Australia’s Mr Right. I don’t even know if they qualify for Mr Right Now.
I guess we shouldn’t worry too much, chances are that five minutes after being elected they’ll be shafted anyway.
If only polling booths were configured like Tinder. We could just keep swiping left until we found a match. (That is not a hint to my particular political persuasion, by the way. I’m a lady, I like to keep my men guessing.)
Even my mother doesn’t approve of the prospects.
She was all prepared to register as an early voter yesterday – she takes her civic commitment most seriously – but then realised there was just one problem … she doesn’t know who to vote for.
And this is a woman who has lived as a widow since 1993 … her standards are pretty low by now.
The truth is, nobody is doing it for us swingers. As a result, we have completely lost our election erection.
So please, Mr Shorten and Mr Morrison, I beg you: bring back the swingers’ party.
Read Ann Wason Moore every Tuesday and Saturday in the Bulletin