John Stones out, Phil Brown in: what if Sam Allardyce kept the England job
Discards Stones
“You hipsters in the media keep telling me we need to have defenders who can pass the ball out from the back,” Sam Allardyce said after announcing his squad for the friendlies against Brazil and Germany in November. “But as my good friend José says, there are a lot of poets and philosophers in football these days, and John Stones will not be part of my squad until the words ‘Get’, ‘Rid’, ‘Hit’ and ‘Andy’ become part of his vocabulary. We have a certain way we want to play and, unfortunately, John doesn’t fit into that at the moment. The door is always open for any player to fight their way back in but I haven’t seen anything this season that would make me want to pick him instead of Chris Smalling and Michael Keane. I couldn’t give a shite if Pep Guardiola thinks I’m wrong. You can bang on about him all you want but do you think I would have lost a Champions League semi-final to Roberto Di Matteo? Not bloody likely!”
Falls out with Guardiola, Klopp and Pochettino
Tired with being asked about the positive effect foreign managers have had on young English players, Allardyce points out he also has a strong track record in youth development. “Ravel Morrison wouldn’t be the man he is today if it wasn’t for my guidance,” he said. “And I’m not taking any more questions on Pep, Jürgen and Mauricio. Do you know who Dele Alli reminds me of? A young Kevin Nolan. And who brought Kevin through at Bolton? Exactly. Pochettino hasn’t done anything special with Dele. He’s just watched old videos of how I taught Kevin to make late runs into the box back in 2001. But the press don’t talk about that.”
Hires Brown as his celebrity No 2
Fabio Capello had David Beckham as a talismanic figure on the bench; Allardyce has Phil Brown. The perma-tanned lover of life has already made his presence felt around the camp, announcing himself by delivering a half-time team talk on the Wembley pitch during the 3-0 friendly defeat to Italy in March. “The players appreciated my honest approach,” Brown said. “Joe Hart told me I am a breath of fresh air. Raheem Sterling said it was a bit different to how Pep operates, which I took as a compliment.” But pundits cast doubt over Brown’s methods and Allardyce finds himself under pressure to part with his most trusted ally after it emerges that the former Hull manager has hired Danny Dyer to deliver motivational talks to the squad during the tournament. “I just think Danny will help the players connect with the man on the street,” Brown explained.
Builds attack around Carroll
More problems develop when Harry Kane retires from international football after being dropped for Andy Carroll. “We needed more physicality,” Allardyce said. “We just need to get the ball to Andy and make sure the midfielders support him properly. If Andros and Theo can supply him with quality service, defences won’t be able to handle us. Then it’s up to Wayne to feed off Andy in the positions of maximum opportunity.” Pundits round on Allardyce, accusing him of dragging England back into the dark ages, but he responds by pointing out that he has a Plan B. “There aren’t many strikers with as strong a record for England as Peter Crouch,” he said.
Agrees deal to launch the Allardyce Aggregator
Having named a provisional 30man squad for the World Cup, Allardyce faces accusations that he created needless trouble by agreeing a deal with a notorious betting company to lend his image to a website that allows members of the public to rank each England player. Word of unrest in the squad spreads. Several players pull out with minor knocks and the Allardyce Aggregator (tagline: ‘Help Big Sam Make The Big Calls!’) goes the way of the Capello Index. The mood calms down after a while – until footage emerges of Allardyce criticising FA bigwigs and making off-colour remarks about Harry and Meghan during a lucrative speaking tour in the Far East, sparking a public outcry and a debate in parliament. It is announced that Allardyce will step down after the World Cup. He is immediately linked with a move to Hebei China Fortune on a contract worth at least £10m a year. Sol Campbell becomes favourite to replace him.