Am I too narcissistic? You asked Google – here’s the answer
The very fact that you’re asking this question suggests it’s more than likely you’re not. Not in the truly scientific sense of the word anyway. This is because one of the traits that tends to characterise those who exhibit excessive narcissism is an inability to engage in self-reflection. Such individuals typically have grandiose ideas about themselves and rarely consider that there might actually be something “wrong” with them, so I doubt you’d be asking this question at all if you were. Then again, another typical trait of narcissism is preoccupation with yourself. So if you find yourself asking questions like this often, and being unusually preoccupied with yourself in general, you could well have some narcissistic traits. When it comes to assessing whether you’re too narcissistic, it’s all a question of degree. You have to consider the situation you’re in and what personality characteristics may be best suited to it.
In today’s society, those considered to be too narcissistic typically exhibit higher levels of arrogance than average, excessive grandiosity, a sense of invincibility, and a sense of entitlement or a belief that special treatment is deserved. People who are high in narcissism also typically display a lack of empathy for others and have a tendency to engage in superficial or exploitative relationships.
Narcissistic individuals (especially those who have a full-blown personality disorder) are widely considered to have a fragile sense of self and a deep-seated sense of shame underneath a usually grandiose exterior. As a result, they subconsciously endeavour to bolster their self-image. They usually do this by deluding themselves with a belief in their own importance, associating with others who they believe provide them with additional status, and making efforts to gain a great deal of admiration from others in order to feel good about themselves.
Narcissism is generally thought to be a sophisticated psychological defence mechanism that develops in early life, most probably in response to experiencing threatening and overwhelming levels of shame, perhaps as a result of receiving excessive criticism or some sort of abuse, neglect or rejection. Because this often results in a very fragile ego, narcissistic individuals have a tendency to become quickly and easily deflated at any sign of failure or disapproval from others, and they can sink into a devastated state of depression when they are reminded of their normal human frailties and vulnerabilities. Given that we all get reminded of our limitations in life from time to time, it can be very painful for someone who is too narcissistic to cope with. As a result, narcissistic individuals tend to desperately cling to anything that supports their belief in their own greatness and sometimes this means pushing away those people who may care about them, but who may be trying to give them a reality check.
So how do you figure out whether you’re too narcissistic? Well, you could consider whether any of that sounds like you, and whether you identify as someone who frequently ends relationships with anyone who challenges you or your behaviour. You could also choose to answer a fairly simple questionnaire that would give you some idea as to whether your own narcissism is in line with the general population, or if it is in fact excessive by comparison to others. The original and most well known of such measures is called the narcissistic personality inventory (NPI) and it was developed back in 1979 by Robert Raskin and Calvin Hall. It was later condensed into a 40-item questionnaire. There are now numerous variations on this tool, many of which can be taken as online “tests” if you’re interested. Do keep in mind, though, that they are for educational and interest purposes only, and shouldn’t be considered diagnostic.
It’s important to remember that being somewhat “narcissistic” is not necessarily a bad thing. We all need a certain amount of healthy narcissism in order to function well in life, to experience reasonable levels of self-esteem and to succeed in our goals. We need to believe that we are good enough, that we are capable, and that we are approved of and liked by others, if we are to achieve according to our fullest potential. The more pathological levels of narcissism have been found to be some-
what associated with higher levels of business success. This is thought to be because individuals who exhibit a lot of narcissistic traits tend to take more risks and have the necessary level of confidence in their own abilities to become leaders of large or powerful organisations.
In considering whether you are too narcissistic or not, your situation is all important. If you’re the CEO of a multinational organisation you may need to take risks and rely on a certain type of “hunter mentality”. Having lower levels of empathy may allow you to easily step past others without suffering excessive guilt in order to reach the top. In which case, you may find that a higher than average set of narcissistic traits would be quite useful. They can even be useful on a wider level since such individuals often lead companies which employ and support the livelihoods of a lot of other people. So there is an argument that a certain number of highly narcissistic individuals may serve a useful function in society.
However, what if you’re someone who works in a caring profession? Or you’re supposed to be a loving partner to someone? What if you’re a parent and you have someone whose very survival depends on your ability to be able to empathise with them and put their needs ahead of your own? In such cases, having excessive levels of narcissism could cause others distress, and will also probably result in disapproval, rejection, and failure for you in the more personal areas of your life. So the question becomes one of situation and context – are you too narcissistic for what?
Of course, we rarely find ourselves residing in one neat category in life. Perhaps you need to be a whiz in the boardroom and then a caring partner or parent at home. If so, you may need to learn how to exercise your narcissistic traits at the right times and in the right settings. This then results in another question, one that’s much more about when you should let your inner narcissist take over and when you would be better thinking of others before yourself. How do you strike the right balance?
But then that’s a question we probably all wrestle with from time to time. Unless, of course, you really are a true narcissist. In which case, you probably don’t even consider that to be a question worth contemplating at all.
• Honey Langcaster-James is a psychologist, coach and blogger