What should you do if a cow attacks? I’ve finally found the answer
Many has been the time I’ve dragged my daughter out for a walk, and everything is ticking along nicely until the footpath takes us through a field of cows. She says she’s scared; I say she’s being silly. She breaks into a run; I don’t. And the cows don’t take a blind bit of notice.
I thought all cattle encounters were a bit like this, but it turns out that sometimes, very rarely, things do get ugly and someone gets seriously hurt or even killed. I did a story about this last week on my radio show, though I really didn’t want to frighten people when the chances of harm are surely greater on your journey into the countryside than during any walking you might do when you get there.
None of which, of course, is much consolation if you happen to be trampled by an irate cow. In the interest of responsible public service broadcasting, I sought to focus on useful advice regarding a) how to avoid annoying a cow in the first place enough to cause it to run at you, and b) what to do if a) hasn’t worked. I’m sorry to report that I never really got anywhere on either point. There is some thought that having a dog with you might invite trouble, and that the presence of calves, logically enough, makes their mums jumpy/grumpy. But this seems largely anecdotal and evidentially inconclusive.
As for what to do if the worst happens, I was even less clear at the end than I was when I started. One expert suggested it’s important to work out whether the advancing cow is angry, or merely curious. Its ears being at “10-to-two” are an indication of the former, apparently. All very interesting, but by then I’ll be fleeing. Or, according to conflicting advice, keeping still. Or making myself big. Or small. Or swiping at it with branches. Or not.
The end result is that next time I share a field with some cows, the possibility of a trampling will feel less like a 1,000-to-one shot and more like a 50-50 chance. To clarify my thinking, I’ve been in touch with a dairy farmer friend of mine called Alison. She says don’t worry, it’ll never happen, but keep dogs quiet and on a lead. And if a cow gets too close, then a firm thwack on the nose with a branch should work. And try not to run.
So that’s my policy henceforth. If this doesn’t work, I’ll whip my coat off, wave it about and start yelling out in Spanish. And when that doesn’t work, I’ll just have to acknowledge that it’s my unlucky day.
• Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist