What YOU SAY when you tell me about your ren­o­va­tions … and what I HEAR

The Monthly (Australia) - - IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS - by Oslo Davis

“Our kids now have their own bed­rooms. World War Three averted!”

Are your two kids still shar­ing that broom closet? You go­ing to stay in that flat af­ter you have the baby?

“AND we’ve given them their own bath­room.”

We have higher per­sonal hy­giene and pri­vacy stan­dards than you do.

“Kitchen fully re­built. Fi­nally the space my cook­ing skills de­serve. Ha ha!”

Re­mem­ber when I of­fered to cook at your place? All that fum­bling around in poky cor­ners, crappy cup­boards, prac­ti­cally no bench space, only one power point, no dish­washer, atro­cious ven­ti­la­tion and light. Never again!

“Barry’s new man cave with bar and games ta­bles. He’d love to have you round for some good ol’ snooker!”

Un­less of course you’re still pissed off from when he asked you to help us move all that fur­ni­ture into stor­age while our place was be­ing gut­ted.

“Con­tem­po­rary bull­nose-roof ve­ran­dah. For when we kick back on those sum­mer evenings and watch the kids play safely in the neigh­bour­hood.”

Re­mem­ber, we live in a safe cul-de­sac, not on a busy road with trucks belch­ing car­bon monox­ide, like you do. How’s lit­tle Poppy’s asthma th­ese days?

“Quaint 18th-cen­tury Ital­ian bird­bath.”

It’s big­ger than your ac­tual bath!

“Let us know when you guys can come over for the Grand Tour. Can’t wait to see the look on your faces!”

Can’t wait to see the look on your faces!

“Full back­yard re­design, with a Zen garden for when we want to stop and re­flect on how lucky we are to have the se­cu­rity of own­ing our own home.”

You must re­ally be wor­ried about be­ing com­pletely shut out of the prop­erty mar­ket. What’s go­ing to hap­pen when you’re old?

“Teak deck­ing with state-of-the-art drains.”

You re­alise that rent­ing is throw­ing money down the drain?

“Open-plan lounge room with a fully au­to­mated ducted eco cli­mate sys­tem. Don’t ask me how it works! So nice to come home and not have to do any­thing.”

Like, find­ing ways to stop ex­pen­sive heat­ing leach­ing out of draughty floor­boards, stop­ping the rain com­ing in through rot­ting win­dowsills or putting on a coat to go to the toi­let.

“New dou­ble garage. Se­ri­ously, we have no idea what to do with all this new space. Might need another car!”

You still park your 1995 Fes­tiva on the street?

“Traver­tine paving. Sure looks great, don’t it! Who would have thought I’d ever be in a po­si­tion to spend the cost of a trip to Langkawi on paving!”

Thank GOD for our rich par­ents, or else we’d still be in your po­si­tion: in a share house, where your house­mates are your fam­ily. By the way, did I tell you we’re go­ing on a trip to Langkawi?

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