... but it’s the Pitts for stars who’ve lost the plot
Come back Keanu, we need you. In fact, I’m sending George Clooney on a special Oceans 14 mission to locate you.
It’s been a dire few weeks for our formerly ageless ’90s heart-throbs. There we were, thinking Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp would continue to melt ladies’ hearts until they stopped beating all together, when bam, they tumbled off the midlife crisis cliff and lost the plot and their looks somewhere in the abyss.
What happened? The male menopause isn’t meant to be that dramatic. Normally, somewhere in your late 40s, waistbands start creeping, jumpers start tucking in, and the belief that a red Ferrari would make you look sexy takes hold. And before you know it you’ve turned into Simon Cowell or Jeremy Clarkson.
But not so for Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp — two 53-yearold Peter Pan performers whose beauty, talent and charisma showed no signs of fading — until the past few weeks, when it was annihilated.
First we had bad boy Johnny Depp transforming into Marlon Brando, busting up his reputation and marriage and now it transpires, torching most of his fortune by burning through $2.7 million a month on essentials. His defence is “It’s my money, if I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing”.
Hot on his heels comes Brad Pitt, who similarly incinerated his happy home life, with Angelina Jolie filing for divorce last September. And while Depp seems to be doing the breakup binge, Pitt has forgotten to eat altogether, living off cranberry juice and fizzy water while he detoxes.
Now a shrivelled version of his former glory, he recently posed for GQ Style in a Zoolander-esque shoot in the wilderness. Highlights include him looking pensive in a Missoni tank top, weeping in a Bottega Veneta sweater and horribly haggard in a Valentino shirt.
Brad tells the magazine it’s not a midlife crisis. “No, this isn’t that. I interpret a midlife crisis as a fear of growing old and fear of dying, you know, going out and buying a Lamborghini.”
To be honest, that would have been better.
Whatever it is, it’s a travesty. If Brad can’t extricate himself from the Deppth of the Pitt of Despair, it leaves a serious gap in the mature man market, currently only being serviced by George Clooney, 56. But Gorgeous George can’t hold up an industry on his own, he’s a busy man, what with his humanitarian commitments and his upcoming role as the father of twins.
No, we need Keanu, 52 (left). He’s handsome, polite, lives a modest life (he reportedly drives a Honda and lives in an apartment) and does things like give up his seat on the train. OK, he’s not a Shakespearean actor, but neither is Leonardo DiCaprio, 42, and he still won an Oscar.
There’s literally nobody else left. Pretty boy Jude Law, 44 lost his hair, poor Val Kilmer, 57, has cancer, Mickey Rourke, 64, is well, Mickey Rourke. Admittedly there’s Robert Downey Jr, 52, who wins points for the biggest career-comeback ever, but he’s just a bit of a bore. No, it can only be Keanu. It’s either him or Stefan Dennis, who at 58, is still rocking. Plus he knows how To Make You Feel Good. Probably.