... but it’s the Pitts for stars who’ve lost the plot

The Sunday Telegraph (Sydney) - - INSIDER - KERRY PAR­NELL KERRY.PAR­[email protected] TWIT­TER.COM/KERRYPARNELL

Come back Keanu, we need you. In fact, I’m send­ing Ge­orge Clooney on a spe­cial Oceans 14 mis­sion to lo­cate you.

It’s been a dire few weeks for our for­merly age­less ’90s heart-throbs. There we were, think­ing Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp would con­tinue to melt ladies’ hearts un­til they stopped beat­ing all to­gether, when bam, they tum­bled off the midlife cri­sis cliff and lost the plot and their looks some­where in the abyss.

What hap­pened? The male menopause isn’t meant to be that dra­matic. Nor­mally, some­where in your late 40s, waist­bands start creeping, jumpers start tuck­ing in, and the be­lief that a red Fer­rari would make you look sexy takes hold. And be­fore you know it you’ve turned into Si­mon Cowell or Jeremy Clark­son.

But not so for Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp — two 53-yearold Peter Pan per­form­ers whose beauty, tal­ent and charisma showed no signs of fad­ing — un­til the past few weeks, when it was an­ni­hi­lated.

First we had bad boy Johnny Depp trans­form­ing into Marlon Brando, bust­ing up his rep­u­ta­tion and mar­riage and now it tran­spires, torch­ing most of his for­tune by burn­ing through $2.7 mil­lion a month on es­sen­tials. His defence is “It’s my money, if I want to buy 15,000 cot­ton balls a day, it’s my thing”.

Hot on his heels comes Brad Pitt, who sim­i­larly in­cin­er­ated his happy home life, with An­gelina Jolie fil­ing for di­vorce last Septem­ber. And while Depp seems to be do­ing the breakup binge, Pitt has for­got­ten to eat al­to­gether, liv­ing off cran­berry juice and fizzy wa­ter while he detoxes.

Now a shriv­elled ver­sion of his for­mer glory, he re­cently posed for GQ Style in a Zoolan­der-esque shoot in the wilder­ness. High­lights in­clude him look­ing pen­sive in a Mis­soni tank top, weep­ing in a Bot­tega Veneta sweater and hor­ri­bly hag­gard in a Valentino shirt.

Brad tells the mag­a­zine it’s not a midlife cri­sis. “No, this isn’t that. I in­ter­pret a midlife cri­sis as a fear of grow­ing old and fear of dy­ing, you know, go­ing out and buy­ing a Lam­borgh­ini.”

To be hon­est, that would have been bet­ter.

What­ever it is, it’s a trav­esty. If Brad can’t ex­tri­cate him­self from the Deppth of the Pitt of De­spair, it leaves a se­ri­ous gap in the ma­ture man mar­ket, cur­rently only be­ing ser­viced by Ge­orge Clooney, 56. But Gor­geous Ge­orge can’t hold up an in­dus­try on his own, he’s a busy man, what with his hu­man­i­tar­ian com­mit­ments and his up­com­ing role as the father of twins.

No, we need Keanu, 52 (left). He’s hand­some, po­lite, lives a mod­est life (he re­port­edly drives a Honda and lives in an apart­ment) and does things like give up his seat on the train. OK, he’s not a Shake­spearean ac­tor, but nei­ther is Leonardo DiCaprio, 42, and he still won an Oscar.

There’s lit­er­ally no­body else left. Pretty boy Jude Law, 44 lost his hair, poor Val Kilmer, 57, has can­cer, Mickey Rourke, 64, is well, Mickey Rourke. Ad­mit­tedly there’s Robert Downey Jr, 52, who wins points for the big­gest ca­reer-come­back ever, but he’s just a bit of a bore. No, it can only be Keanu. It’s ei­ther him or Ste­fan Den­nis, who at 58, is still rock­ing. Plus he knows how To Make You Feel Good. Prob­a­bly.

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