Will she be missed? We watch all Meghan Markle’s movies
FOR Meghan Markle, marrying into the Royal Family means the curtain will come down on her acting life for ever.
During her quest for stardom, the Suits star appeared in 14 films, some of them forgettable, some of them regrettable, some of them cheesy and some a bit sleazy. And I’ve watched all of them, charting her progress up the Hollywood ladder, from blink-and-miss-her walk-on parts, to pashing Russell Brand, to becoming a star in her own right.
It’s time to put Meghan’s films under the microscope ...
A LOT LIKE LOVE ( 2005)
Meghan is 24, has left university and appeared in a couple of small television roles. This is her first proper Hollywood film, and she gets 31 precious seconds of screen time in this lame, 9/ 11- themed rom- com starring Ashton Kutcher. She plays Natalie, a girl who walks down the aisle of a plane with — hang on — two unidentified flying objects stuck up the front of her pink jumper? Whatever is going on, she has never looked so buxom. Critics hated this crass exploitation of a national tragedy. HER BEST LINE: ‘No, I’m from LA.’ STAR RATING:
WHEN SPARKS FLY ( 2014)
Meghan has the lead role of Amy, an ambitious journalist who returns to her small- town home, where her mother and father have a fireworks business. In the weakest gunpowder plot that’s ever been imagined, there is some complication about a late delivery of rockets for the Fourth of July celebrations. Meanwhile, Amy discovers that Hank, the boy she left behind, is about to marry her best friend. Soon they are back together in Lew’s diner, eating ribs and peach cobbler and falling in love again.
HER BEST LINE: ‘I went after the wrong dream and lost the person I cared about the most.’
REMEMBER ME ( 2010)
This rom-com starring Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson was a hit — and was also produced by Meghan’s then husband, Trevor Engelson. However, she only has a tiny role as a barmaid with a three-word line. By the next year, their marriage was on the rocks. HER BEST LINE: ‘Do not speak.’ STAR RATING:
ANTI- SOCIAL ( 2015)
These days, Meghan may want to shine a light on female empowerment, but she seemed happy enough to play a simpering girlfriend in this load of old nonsense. Set in London, Meghan plays Kirsten, a model who falls in love with graffiti artist Dee, whose brother leads a gang of guntoting jewel thieves. HER BEST LINE: ‘I know you have had to climb a mountain to get away from this crap and see life for what it can be. You inspire me.’
HORRIBLE BOSSES ( 2011)
A lot of big names appeared in this comedy blockbuster, including Jennifer Aniston as a sex-mad dentist. Meghan’s walk-on/walk-off part as a FedEx delivery girl attracted zero attention, even though she was chatted up by Kurt (Jason Sudeikis), an account manager at a chemical company. “You are way too cute to be a FedEx girl. You gotta be a model or an actress or something, right?” he says. Bang on the money! HER BEST LINE: ‘I’m good. He is just signing for these packages, thank you.’
DATER’S HANDBOOK ( 2016)
Meghan plays lovelorn Cassandra, a sweet but feisty businesswoman who has a history of going out with dud boyfriends. “Of course I wanna get married,” she tells her mom. But how? A copy of the Dater’s Handbook sets Cass on the path to matrimony. HER BEST LINE: ‘At some point you will figure out I am not the girl that you think I am.’
DECEIT ( 2006)
She plays a girl-next-door called Gwen in this crummy film noir. Over the kitchen table, Meghan dispenses unwanted advice to a friend caught up in a murder mystery. But what has me gripped is her weird flicky, Farrah Fawcett-esque hair. HER BEST LINE: ‘I think Dave is really good for you, and I wouldn’t want you to lose him so easily.’
THE BOYS AND GIRLS GUIDE TO GETTING DOWN ( 2011)
Meghan secured a small part in this alarmingly candid film teaching “da kidz” how to use drugs and have a good time in downtown Los Angeles. She plays Dana, who snorts cocaine, wears a tight black dress and obsesses about a boob job, clearly forgetting she had one in A Lot Like Love. HER BEST LINE: ‘What do you think?
GET HIM TO THE GREEK ( 2010)
What on earth is Meghan doing in this ghastly comedy? It stars Russell Brand as obnoxious rock star Aldous Snow. Meghan has a 40-second role as Tatiana, a girl in a strapless metallic dress who is snogged by Aldous at a party. After the ignominy of Brand sucking on her face, Meghan doesn’t even get a credit. Humiliating. HER BEST LINE: ‘Mmmmn. Slurp.’ STAR RATING:
DYSFUNCTIONAL FRIENDS ( 2012)
OK, she is no Annie Leibovitz, but Meghan makes a passable attempt at playing a ballsy photographer called Terry in this comedy drama. Her role is minor. Still, she slaps someone, shows off her bra straps and deals
briskly with a well-endowed male model.
HER BEST LINE: ‘This is not porn. That situation you’ve got going on there? It’s got to be put away.’
RANDOM ENCOUNTERS ( 2013)
In this re-release of a chick flick made pre-Suits, Meghan plays Mindy, a party girl who brings home a different guy every night. Look away now, Your Maj! Mindy pops up in a host of revealing outfits and she sleeps with a cop who stopped her for a traffic offence. HER BEST LINE: ‘Sometimes you only get one
shot at it.’
THE CANDIDATE ( 2011)
Meghan pulls strings to get a role in this hard-boiled science-fiction short film, which was produced by then hubby Engelson. Handy! She turns in a solid two-scene performance as Anne the receptionist. Her creepy boss wants to kill an incompetent colleague, and we have all been there, haven’t we? Anyway, what does Meghan care? She has a messy, “I’m-too-busy” ponytail, a Louis Vuitton handbag and a phone to answer. HER BEST LINE: ‘How are you spelling that? And your number, please?’
Meghan Markle as paralegal Rachel Zane in Suits. Picture: Getty Images A Lot Like Love. When Sparks Fly.
Get Him To The Greek.