FORGETTABLE, RE­GRET­TABLE

Will she be missed? We watch all Meghan Markle’s movies

The Sunday Telegraph (Sydney) - - FRONT PAGE - JAN MOIR

FOR Meghan Markle, mar­ry­ing into the Royal Fam­ily means the cur­tain will come down on her act­ing life for ever.

Dur­ing her quest for star­dom, the Suits star ap­peared in 14 films, some of them forgettable, some of them re­gret­table, some of them cheesy and some a bit sleazy. And I’ve watched all of them, chart­ing her progress up the Hol­ly­wood lad­der, from blink-and-miss-her walk-on parts, to pash­ing Rus­sell Brand, to be­com­ing a star in her own right.

It’s time to put Meghan’s films un­der the mi­cro­scope ...

A LOT LIKE LOVE ( 2005)

Meghan is 24, has left univer­sity and ap­peared in a cou­ple of small tele­vi­sion roles. This is her first proper Hol­ly­wood film, and she gets 31 pre­cious sec­onds of screen time in this lame, 9/ 11- themed rom- com star­ring Ash­ton Kutcher. She plays Natalie, a girl who walks down the aisle of a plane with — hang on — two uniden­ti­fied fly­ing ob­jects stuck up the front of her pink jumper? What­ever is go­ing on, she has never looked so buxom. Crit­ics hated this crass ex­ploita­tion of a na­tional tragedy. HER BEST LINE: ‘No, I’m from LA.’ STAR RAT­ING:

WHEN SPARKS FLY ( 2014)

Meghan has the lead role of Amy, an am­bi­tious jour­nal­ist who re­turns to her small- town home, where her mother and fa­ther have a fire­works busi­ness. In the weak­est gun­pow­der plot that’s ever been imag­ined, there is some com­pli­ca­tion about a late de­liv­ery of rock­ets for the Fourth of July cel­e­bra­tions. Mean­while, Amy dis­cov­ers that Hank, the boy she left be­hind, is about to marry her best friend. Soon they are back to­gether in Lew’s diner, eat­ing ribs and peach cob­bler and fall­ing in love again.

HER BEST LINE: ‘I went after the wrong dream and lost the per­son I cared about the most.’

STAR RAT­ING:

RE­MEM­BER ME ( 2010)

This rom-com star­ring Twi­light hunk Robert Pat­tin­son was a hit — and was also pro­duced by Meghan’s then hus­band, Trevor En­gel­son. How­ever, she only has a tiny role as a bar­maid with a three-word line. By the next year, their mar­riage was on the rocks. HER BEST LINE: ‘Do not speak.’ STAR RAT­ING:

ANTI- SO­CIAL ( 2015)

These days, Meghan may want to shine a light on fe­male em­pow­er­ment, but she seemed happy enough to play a sim­per­ing girl­friend in this load of old non­sense. Set in Lon­don, Meghan plays Kirsten, a model who falls in love with graf­fiti artist Dee, whose brother leads a gang of gun­tot­ing jewel thieves. HER BEST LINE: ‘I know you have had to climb a moun­tain to get away from this crap and see life for what it can be. You in­spire me.’

STAR RAT­ING:

HOR­RI­BLE BOSSES ( 2011)

A lot of big names ap­peared in this com­edy block­buster, in­clud­ing Jen­nifer Anis­ton as a sex-mad den­tist. Meghan’s walk-on/walk-off part as a FedEx de­liv­ery girl at­tracted zero at­ten­tion, even though she was chat­ted up by Kurt (Jason Sudeikis), an ac­count man­ager at a chem­i­cal com­pany. “You are way too cute to be a FedEx girl. You gotta be a model or an ac­tress or some­thing, right?” he says. Bang on the money! HER BEST LINE: ‘I’m good. He is just sign­ing for these pack­ages, thank you.’

STAR RAT­ING:

DATER’S HANDBOOK ( 2016)

Meghan plays lovelorn Cas­san­dra, a sweet but feisty busi­ness­woman who has a his­tory of go­ing out with dud boyfriends. “Of course I wanna get mar­ried,” she tells her mom. But how? A copy of the Dater’s Handbook sets Cass on the path to mat­ri­mony. HER BEST LINE: ‘At some point you will fig­ure out I am not the girl that you think I am.’

STAR RAT­ING:

DE­CEIT ( 2006)

She plays a girl-next-door called Gwen in this crummy film noir. Over the kitchen ta­ble, Meghan dis­penses un­wanted ad­vice to a friend caught up in a mur­der mys­tery. But what has me gripped is her weird flicky, Far­rah Fawcett-es­que hair. HER BEST LINE: ‘I think Dave is re­ally good for you, and I wouldn’t want you to lose him so eas­ily.’

STAR RAT­ING:

THE BOYS AND GIRLS GUIDE TO GET­TING DOWN ( 2011)

Meghan se­cured a small part in this alarm­ingly can­did film teach­ing “da kidz” how to use drugs and have a good time in down­town Los An­ge­les. She plays Dana, who snorts co­caine, wears a tight black dress and ob­sesses about a boob job, clearly for­get­ting she had one in A Lot Like Love. HER BEST LINE: ‘What do you think?

Too slutty?’

STAR RAT­ING:

GET HIM TO THE GREEK ( 2010)

What on earth is Meghan do­ing in this ghastly com­edy? It stars Rus­sell Brand as ob­nox­ious rock star Al­dous Snow. Meghan has a 40-sec­ond role as Ta­tiana, a girl in a strap­less metal­lic dress who is snogged by Al­dous at a party. After the ig­nominy of Brand suck­ing on her face, Meghan doesn’t even get a credit. Hu­mil­i­at­ing. HER BEST LINE: ‘Mm­mmn. Slurp.’ STAR RAT­ING:

DYS­FUNC­TIONAL FRIENDS ( 2012)

OK, she is no An­nie Lei­bovitz, but Meghan makes a pass­able at­tempt at play­ing a ballsy pho­tog­ra­pher called Terry in this com­edy drama. Her role is mi­nor. Still, she slaps some­one, shows off her bra straps and deals

briskly with a well-en­dowed male model.

HER BEST LINE: ‘This is not porn. That sit­u­a­tion you’ve got go­ing on there? It’s got to be put away.’

STAR RAT­ING:

RAN­DOM EN­COUN­TERS ( 2013)

In this re-re­lease of a chick flick made pre-Suits, Meghan plays Mindy, a party girl who brings home a dif­fer­ent guy ev­ery night. Look away now, Your Maj! Mindy pops up in a host of re­veal­ing out­fits and she sleeps with a cop who stopped her for a traf­fic of­fence. HER BEST LINE: ‘Some­times you only get one

shot at it.’

STAR RAT­ING:

THE CAN­DI­DATE ( 2011)

Meghan pulls strings to get a role in this hard-boiled sci­ence-fiction short film, which was pro­duced by then hubby En­gel­son. Handy! She turns in a solid two-scene per­for­mance as Anne the re­cep­tion­ist. Her creepy boss wants to kill an in­com­pe­tent col­league, and we have all been there, haven’t we? Any­way, what does Meghan care? She has a messy, “I’m-too-busy” pony­tail, a Louis Vuit­ton hand­bag and a phone to an­swer. HER BEST LINE: ‘How are you spell­ing that? And your num­ber, please?’

STAR RAT­ING:

Meghan Markle as para­le­gal Rachel Zane in Suits. Pic­ture: Getty Im­ages A Lot Like Love. When Sparks Fly.

Dys­func­tional Friends.

Get Him To The Greek.

Hor­ri­ble Bosses.

Anti-So­cial.

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