Cheese tattoos anyone?
THE news a Newcastle cafe has deconstructed Vegemite on toast into a smear of the spread and a quenelle of butter has horrified most sane people.
I, however, think it opens up a huge new avenue of possibilities to reinvent some of the classics. With that in mind, here’s a trial menu for a new cafe I’m planning to open.
RICE BUBBLES This breakfast staple of the 1970s and ’80s has become tired and needs a refresh. I shall have up-and-coming Aboriginal artists arrange the Rice Bubbles, dot painting style, on a bed of milk foam on a large wooden board. Square, of course, for Instagram.
Best of all, you will be able to purchase the same designs on canvas to take home to keep forever — or for when you get home at 3am, there’s nothing in the fridge and you have the munchies.
With new designs every week, millennials will line up to pay $99 a plate.
BAKED BEANS ON TOAST This childhood classic is delicious but dated. Who wants a pile of beans in a bowl?
Instead these will be painstakingly arranged into stacks, one bean on top of the other, balanced on a base of toasted breadcrumbs.
Can they make it to the table without falling over or getting stuck in the hipster waiter’s beard? It will be drama and food all in one.
While the pure majesty of this might be harder to capture for posterity on your Instagram feed, every time you pass wind through the day, you will think back fondly on that amazing dish you ate.
Cheap at $79 per stack.
CHEESE ON TOAST Forget slabs of old sticky cheese on stale bread. Skilled tattoo artists will be hired to artfully spray melted cheese onto legs, arms, backs and even faces in the design of your choice. Then you, or your dining partner can scrape the cooling cheese off the burning skin with bread sticks to eat.
Once the screaming has stopped, obviously.
Best of all, you receive a lasting tribute to the skill of the tattoo artist and the deliciousness of the cheese, with the design burned into your flesh for ever more.
A bargain at $59 for 200ml of burning cheese spray.
This cafe is sure to be a hit. The only problem I can foresee is keeping hipster beard hairs out of the meals.