Cheese tat­toos any­one?

The Sunday Telegraph (Sydney) - - OPINION OURS & YOURS - DUN­CAN LAY

THE news a New­cas­tle cafe has de­con­structed Vegemite on toast into a smear of the spread and a quenelle of but­ter has hor­ri­fied most sane peo­ple.

I, how­ever, think it opens up a huge new av­enue of pos­si­bil­i­ties to rein­vent some of the clas­sics. With that in mind, here’s a trial menu for a new cafe I’m plan­ning to open.

RICE BUBBLES This break­fast sta­ple of the 1970s and ’80s has be­come tired and needs a re­fresh. I shall have up-and-com­ing Abo­rig­i­nal artists ar­range the Rice Bubbles, dot paint­ing style, on a bed of milk foam on a large wooden board. Square, of course, for In­sta­gram.

Best of all, you will be able to pur­chase the same de­signs on can­vas to take home to keep for­ever — or for when you get home at 3am, there’s noth­ing in the fridge and you have the munchies.

With new de­signs ev­ery week, mil­len­ni­als will line up to pay $99 a plate.

BAKED BEANS ON TOAST This child­hood clas­sic is de­li­cious but dated. Who wants a pile of beans in a bowl?

In­stead these will be painstak­ingly ar­ranged into stacks, one bean on top of the other, bal­anced on a base of toasted bread­crumbs.

Can they make it to the ta­ble with­out fall­ing over or get­ting stuck in the hip­ster waiter’s beard? It will be drama and food all in one.

While the pure majesty of this might be harder to cap­ture for pos­ter­ity on your In­sta­gram feed, ev­ery time you pass wind through the day, you will think back fondly on that amaz­ing dish you ate.

Cheap at $79 per stack.

CHEESE ON TOAST For­get slabs of old sticky cheese on stale bread. Skilled tat­too artists will be hired to art­fully spray melted cheese onto legs, arms, backs and even faces in the de­sign of your choice. Then you, or your din­ing part­ner can scrape the cool­ing cheese off the burn­ing skin with bread sticks to eat.

Once the scream­ing has stopped, ob­vi­ously.

Best of all, you re­ceive a last­ing trib­ute to the skill of the tat­too artist and the de­li­cious­ness of the cheese, with the de­sign burned into your flesh for ever more.

A bar­gain at $59 for 200ml of burn­ing cheese spray.

This cafe is sure to be a hit. The only prob­lem I can fore­see is keep­ing hip­ster beard hairs out of the meals.

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