All this ridiculous royal wedding memorabilia
more annoying than the bloke who once met Meghan for five minutes in Toronto a decade ago who is now telling the world he’s mortally insulted he didn’t score an invite to the nuptials.
I expected to see Meghan and Harry plates. Although I do feel a little uncertain about a souvenir that invites us to repeatedly scrape sharp metal objects across their faces.
The royal beer is even useful and makes more sense the more of it you drink.
Then we move into the realm of colouring-in books, designed to buy into the whole Disney princess fantasy and have girls imagining that one day their prince could come and sweep them off their feet.
There’s a motivational message for the little girls of Australia. I think it’s the wakeup call they needed. All those toddlers must get off their butts and start planning now if they want to bag a prince.
There’s already Prince George and Prince Louis up for grabs and Harry and Meghan might produce a few extras.
You can’t just expect to waltz into a Sydney pub and walk out with a royal husband.
(Well, OK, Mary Donaldson did that but you’re more likely to end up with a frog than another Prince Frederik).
But, seriously, it’s ridiculous. There doesn’t appear to be any suggestion that little boys need to start dreaming of the day they might marry Princess Charlotte.
Why not? Surely it would beat digging ditches or sitting in a call centre, helping bewildered seniors with their computer problems?
Why is there no souvenirs to tempt them into a life of royal husbandry? Look at Prince Philip. There’s an example to follow. Although, didn’t he chuck a tantrum at giving up his surname? Oops. Think I’ve just destroyed my argument.
Anyway, the souvenir I’m most upset about is the commemorative KFC bucket.
Not because it’s stupid, pointless or ridiculous — although it is.
Mainly because it’s not available here and I could really go for some fried chicken to chase down those Windsor Knot beers.
The commemorative KFC chicken bucket is just gold.