Everyone suffers when man flu takes hold
It is a serious condition that strikes half the population. But this misunderstood malaise is too often heartlessly dismissed by women, who lack both the medical knowledge and empathy needed to tend the voracious virus.
Fear not, fellows, if you — like my other half — are valiantly battling man flu, here’s your survival guide:
1 Tell everyone you are sick: It’s imperative you inform everybody you meet that you are ill — your boss, your colleagues, shop assistants, total strangers. They all need to know. Declare code red to the woman in your life so she can prepare. “Inform her of the crisis which is about to unfold,” advises the condition’s self-help site Manflu.info. “They must reach you at your place of safety in the initial stages before you become bed ridden.”
2 Go to the doctor — several times: Visit your GP hoping they will give you antibiotics and appear surprised when they tell you it’s a virus and antibiotics won’t work. Return two days later, just to double check and spread your cold all over the surgery. Perhaps do a little cough in the doctor’s face when they look in your throat. They like that.
3 Take to your bed: The next step is to go to bed and stay there, huddled up sadly in your duvet, for hours. Only get up to …
4… Indulge in life-saving activities: Such as nipping out to get your hair cut or buying a new shirt. Perhaps have a relaxing foot massage. And a snack. It’s amazing the super-human strength you will find — another example of the resilience of men.
5 Do not interact with your partner or children: Make sure the one thing you do not do is help out around the house or spend time with your children. That would be far too taxing and only a fool would strain themselves so.
6 Eat three hearty meals a day: Anyone knows you need to keep your strength up when you are sick, so do this by polishing off three meals a day plus nourishing snacks like chocolate and biscuits. Ask your partner/ carer for specific dinners too, in a whiny voice. Disregard their suggestion you can’t be very sick if you can eat, as remember, they are not a medical expert. You can demonstrate how poorly you are by leaving immediately after dinner and before the washing up and returning to bed.
7 Build in convalescence time: It’s important not to admit you feel better too soon, or others will take advantage of you. Instead, make sure you convalesce by taking it easy for at least three weeks post virus.
8 If a female starts to experience the same symptoms after you, tell her it’s just a cold: Inform her she has to “get on with it” and throw in a “what about me?” if she appears angry.
“By far, the best way for her to deal with this is carry on with her normal day-to-day routine as if the cold wasn’t there,” say the people at Manflu.info. No need to offer her any respite, after all, women can’t catch man flu.