Lazy re­boots in need of Monty Python’s foot

The Sunday Telegraph (Sydney) - - INSIDER - DUN­CAN LAY TWIT­TER.COM/DUNCANLAY

Ev­ery­one loves re­cy­cling. Even the most ra­bid de­vel­oper, who thinks polar bears are a bunch of freeload­ing whingers that should just use their roy­al­ties from all those David At­ten­bor­ough doc­u­men­taries and buy a gi­ant ice-mak­ing ma­chine, are into re­cy­cling.

Af­ter all, their ideas are right from the ’50s. The 1850s, at least.

But nobody is more into re­cy­cling than Hol­ly­wood.

There are gree­nies liv­ing up a tree and eat­ing only their own armpit fun­gus who are less into re­cy­cling than some of the ma­jor stu­dios.

Judg­ing by the ar­ray of films bom­bard­ing us at the mo­ment, there is noth­ing that Hol­ly­wood won’t

re­use or, to bor­row their ex­pres­sion, re­boot.

Films such as Dark Phoenix, which is ac­tu­ally a re­boot of a re­boot. Not only have they re­booted the cast, they re­booted the story as well. And it was ex­pected to be a spring­board for yet an­other re­boot of the X-Men.

But with all that boot­ing go­ing on, they for­got to give the film a sole. Sorry about that.

Any­way, I find re­boot­ing an apt ex­pres­sion. It con­jures up an im­age of some­thing bat­tered, reek­ing of dog poop and ram­pant tinea, which sums up the whole process.

Rather than use an orig­i­nal idea, just re­cy­cle an old one and ex­pect the suck­ers — sorry, the pay­ing pub­lic — to go along be­cause they are cu­ri­ous and nostalgic.

For ev­ery time it works — look at Star Trek — there are sev­eral dis­as­ters.

For me, Ter­mi­na­tor Ge­nesys was the big­gest. I hated how it crapped all over our memories of the bril­liant 1984 orig­i­nal.

Now James Cameron is at­tempt­ing to re­boot the se­ries yet again, this time me bringing back Linda inda Hamil­ton as Sarah Con­nor.

I’m more ter­ri­fied of this go­ing wrong than I am of an all-pow­er­ful com­puter in­tel­li­gence tak­ing ing over the world.

And this is why re­boot­ing is such a dumb idea. Stu­dio ex­ec­u­tives think re­boot­ing is a no-brainer. (Well, they would, given so few of them have brains, a zombie could starve to death in one of their board­rooms.) They fig­ure enough fans of the old idea will go along that they can make their money back. But a lack lack­lus­tre re­boot just m makes fans an­gry.

In the spirit of h help­ful­ness, h how­ever, I am of­fer­ing a sug­ges­tion to all those re­boot­mad stu­dio ex­ec­u­tives. exe (And (A no, it doesn’t do in­volve a boot up the arse, al­though that is tempt­ing.) I would like to take some guid­ance from those wise minds at Monty Python, which means Hol­ly­wood should love this, be­cause it is re­cy­cling an­other idea.

Python fa­mously had a gi­ant car­toon foot that would land, with a strange fart­ing noise, on any­thing from the ti­tle to a sketch that needed to end.

Any re­boot­ing ideas need to get past the big foot. The hand­ful of in­tel­li­gent, witty ones would be kicked for­ward into pro­duc­tion. The stupid ones would be stamped on, be­cause a big foot can take care of a bad re­boot.

Who could do this? Well, I am will­ing to put my­self for­ward as Big­foot. Yes, I know that ti­tle means I can’t travel to Amer­ica as I would in­stantly be hunted by in­bred red­necks, but if it means no more stupid re­boots, that’s a small price to pay.

Sophie Turner in Dark Phoenix.

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