Wildlife as part of deal

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP MAY HAVE HAD A TWITTER FIT OVER HIS PREDECESSOR’S REFUGEE ARRANGEMENT WITH AUSTRALIA BUT HE MAY HAVE BEEN MORE FORTHCOMING IF WE HAD THROWN IN SOME OF OUR CROCS AND BATS

G‘DAY, how are you Mr Trump? Hope the weather’s fine over there.” “It’s fine. I’m great. And busy. Now what do you want Spunsbury?” “It’s Spilsbury, Mr President.” “Look, get on with it Spritzberry, I’ve been on the phone all day and I’m freakin’ tired. Got me a million things to do tonight and I have to wash my hair. So what do you want?” “Well, Mr Trump I wanted to talk about Cairns’ deal with the United States; you know, the one that was signed with Barack Obama before you were sworn in.” “C’mon Speedstry, spit it out. Jeez, save my sanity, one Mississippi, two Mississippi … you Aussies have to get to the point.” “Mr Trump, the US has agreed to take all our rogue crocodiles and the bats from our CBD.” “WHAT??? What the hell do we want with your killer crocs and squealing, dirty bats?”

“Well, they’ve become a bit contentious and are turning into a problem for us here in Cairns so it was decided that the best way to deal with these unwanted visitors to our settlement was to offload, I mean, pass on to America so that they could enjoy a better, free life … away from us.”

“Back up a minute, Stilsduck. That’s outrageous. Actually, no, that’s goddamn dumb. D-U-M!”

“That’s a bit harsh Mr Trump. Cairns and Australia have always had a great relationship with America, except for maybe that little disagreeance between Gough Whitlam and Richard Nixon over the Vietnam War.”

“Who? Never heard of them. Forget about that. Here I am at the end of a long day and now this? Even Vlad didn’t give me this grief. Crocs. Bats. I’ve already got bears and Hillary Clinton. We don’t need any more nuisances Slinskinski. Cairns wants to export more nasty creatures here and I won’t have it.

“I’ll study this dumb deal – actually, I’ll get somebody else to study it for me. I’m too busy … where’s my mobile phone? I need to tweet about this rubbish.”

“It’s Spilsbury, Mr Trump and surely you’re overreacting. Now, can you just reaffirm your support of the deal. We can always throw in a holiday to Cairns to sweeten the deal. Air Force One has been here before; we’ll be able to cater to your every need. We have good hotels too.”

“Enough Sputbean! I’ve spent 25 minutes on the phone with you and I’ve had enough!”

“Why can’t you get my name right, Mr Trump?”

“What do you mean? Where’s my press sec? Sean, Sean? What’s this woman’s name from Australia? … You don’t know? How am I supposed to get it right? Does anyone know what’s going on around here? Never mind, get me my mobile phone … now!”