Fake tour will make Don blush
HOT diggity, have you heard?
Donald Trump might be coming to Cairns in November as part of the APEC Summit in PNG.
As the US president steps off Air Force One and sucks down an oppressive lungful of tropical humidity, Cairns Post agents will be poised to smuggle him away for an alternative tour of the Far North.
The Federal Government can take a hike with that candy-ass itinerary it undoubtedly has planned. We’ve gotcha covered, Don! 9am: Big Scout hat Bring: A well-prepared attitude Trump famously recited what he later bragged was the “greatest ever” speech at the Boy Scouts of America’s National Jamboree last year.
He bashed fake news, Congress, ripped into Barack Obama and even called his Health Secretary on to the stage and threatened to sack him. Hell yeah. Naturally we need the big fulla himself to make a pit stop at Munro Martin Park and threaten to nuke Cairns Regional Council if they remove the beloved Scout hat from the old WWII bomb shelter. 11am: Lotus Glen Bring: Bricks and razor wire Prison breaks from the state’s only correctional centre north of dirty old Brownsville seem to happen with inordinate frequency.
We need to put the security back in minimum security and nobody knows more about big impermeable walls than the Demon Barber of Tweet Street.
Come to think of it, a barrier south of Ingham might not be such a bad idea either.
1pm: Windy Hill Wind Farm BYOB (Bring your own breeze) Energy security is a big deal, and Trump’s famed gasbaggery would provide enough oomph to power the 20-turbine wind farm at Ravenshoe for a year, with some to spare.
Residual fumes could get things rolling at the nearby Kaban Green Power Hub, due to start construction later this year, and inflate a few hot air balloons to boot.
He might even fit in a session at the Lakeland Solar and Storage project up in Cape York to catch a few rays and maintain his celebrated tangerine sheen. 3pm: Paradise Palms Bring: Golf clubs and a sack of cash Mayor Bob Manning has expressed concerns in recent days about the US President’s commitment to the global warming cause.
Take him on a round of golf in November with the sun at its peak and perhaps the political powerhouse duo will end up on the same page.
I can see it now, that revelatory, light-bulb moment as fluorescent rivulets of reliquefied spray tan roll down across his paunches while Cr Manning belts out a hole-in-one. Or not. Either way, Paradise Palms is on the market and would look pretty schmick replaced with a millionstorey tower topped with a big “T”.
Maybe some gentle thumbscrew tightening from the CIA would convince the State Government to choose Kewarra Beach for a casino instead of putting a monstrous and vaguely-named “global tourism hub” on the CBD waterfront. 7pm: McDonald’s Bring: An appetite One might think it perverse that a man with all the power in the world would favour such gastronomic simplicities as a Quarter Pounder and chips.
But there it is: Trump loves some saturated fat.
Maccas on the Esplanade would undoubtedly pull out all stops to whip up a delight worthy of the leader of the free world.
Amazing bread, just really, really great bread. Phenomenal meat patties the likes of which have never been seen before.
Everybody’s talking about the tremendous, crisp pickles.
Absolutely staggering in the pickle department, and massive as well, just like his hands. 10pm: The Woolshed Bring: Table-dancing skills Just ’cos why not, ya know?
THE FAR NORTH WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AFTER THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL MAN IS KIDNAPPED AND WHISKED AWAY FROM THE CAIRNS TARMAC FOR A LITTLE ADVENTURE