Just so plane impolite

WE KNOW YOU’VE PROBABLY FLOWN A MILLION TIMES BEFORE AND RATHER THAN OBSERVE AND LISTEN TO OUR POTENTIALLY LIFESAVING SAFETY INFORMATION NOW YOU’LL PROBABLY RUDELY CONTINUE TO READ

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Flight BS101 to Brisbane. We know you’ve probably flown a million times before and rather than listen to our potentially lifesaving safety information now you’ll probably rudely continue to read your magazines and send last-minute texts. Providing you with the tools to escape with your life should the worst happen is Janet at the rear, Jermaine at the middle exit row and Michael at the front of the aircraft. Should the captain tell us “Holy cow, holy cow, the plane is going down,” wrench your seatbelt tighter and assume the brace position, holding your loved ones tight or squeezing the hell out of the passenger beside you. If oxygen is running low, and we know it has been because passengers in 24 F, E and D have been using it all talking at the top of their voices ever since they sat down, masks will drop from above as if from heaven.

Forget about helping those passengers in row 24, because they’re still talking and not listening to me, and place over your nose.

Then consider helping your children to put on their masks but only if they’ve been well behaved.

There is a giant floatie for around your neck under your seat should we look like taking a refreshing dip in the ocean, so rip it out quickly and prepare to blow it up like it’s one of your five-year-old’s birthday party balloons.

You should not inflate your life jacket until you’re outside the aircraft but because you’re not taking one bit of notice of this advice, you’ll stuff this up and pull the cord inside the cabin and end up breaking your neck and those beside you.

There’s a nice little whistle here on the left shoulder and if you feel like unloading a bit of your stress just start blowing like it’s your first school recorder.

That should be enough to send us all humanely crazy but at least it will drone out THE PASSENGERS IN ROW 24!

Beautiful strobe lighting will automatically illuminate to show you the way to the holes in the aircraft that you will need to jump out of into the abyss below.

Janet, Jermaine and Michael will show you the thriller steps to safety so just follow their lead and you’ll be moonwalking out of here quicker then you can say “Blame it on the Boogie.”

Please don’t bother taking any of your belongings because it may slow you down ... oh, who am I kidding, you’re not listening, so why do I care what happens to you if we crash? Sit, back and relax and if we can make your flight more comfortable – don’t even think about asking us.