Just so plane im­po­lite

WE KNOW YOU’VE PROB­A­BLY FLOWN A MIL­LION TIMES BE­FORE AND RATHER THAN OB­SERVE AND LIS­TEN TO OUR PO­TEN­TIALLY LIFE­SAV­ING SAFETY IN­FOR­MA­TION NOW YOU’LL PROB­A­BLY RUDELY CON­TINUE TO READ

The Weekend Post - - Views -

Wel­come ladies and gentle­men to Flight BS101 to Bris­bane. We know you’ve prob­a­bly flown a mil­lion times be­fore and rather than lis­ten to our po­ten­tially life­sav­ing safety in­for­ma­tion now you’ll prob­a­bly rudely con­tinue to read your mag­a­zines and send last-minute texts. Pro­vid­ing you with the tools to es­cape with your life should the worst hap­pen is Janet at the rear, Jer­maine at the mid­dle exit row and Michael at the front of the air­craft. Should the cap­tain tell us “Holy cow, holy cow, the plane is go­ing down,” wrench your seat­belt tighter and as­sume the brace po­si­tion, hold­ing your loved ones tight or squeez­ing the hell out of the pas­sen­ger be­side you. If oxy­gen is run­ning low, and we know it has been be­cause pas­sen­gers in 24 F, E and D have been us­ing it all talk­ing at the top of their voices ever since they sat down, masks will drop from above as if from heaven.

For­get about help­ing those pas­sen­gers in row 24, be­cause they’re still talk­ing and not lis­ten­ing to me, and place over your nose.

Then con­sider help­ing your chil­dren to put on their masks but only if they’ve been well be­haved.

There is a gi­ant floatie for around your neck un­der your seat should we look like taking a re­fresh­ing dip in the ocean, so rip it out quickly and pre­pare to blow it up like it’s one of your five-year-old’s birthday party bal­loons.

You should not in­flate your life jacket un­til you’re out­side the air­craft but be­cause you’re not taking one bit of no­tice of this ad­vice, you’ll stuff this up and pull the cord inside the cabin and end up break­ing your neck and those be­side you.

There’s a nice lit­tle whis­tle here on the left shoul­der and if you feel like un­load­ing a bit of your stress just start blow­ing like it’s your first school recorder.

That should be enough to send us all hu­manely crazy but at least it will drone out THE PAS­SEN­GERS IN ROW 24!

Beau­ti­ful strobe light­ing will au­to­mat­i­cally il­lu­mi­nate to show you the way to the holes in the air­craft that you will need to jump out of into the abyss be­low.

Janet, Jer­maine and Michael will show you the thriller steps to safety so just fol­low their lead and you’ll be moon­walk­ing out of here quicker then you can say “Blame it on the Boo­gie.”

Please don’t bother taking any of your be­long­ings be­cause it may slow you down ... oh, who am I kid­ding, you’re not lis­ten­ing, so why do I care what hap­pens to you if we crash? Sit, back and re­lax and if we can make your flight more com­fort­able – don’t even think about ask­ing us.

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