TOGETHER IN ISOLATION
FOR COUPLES FEELING THE STRAINS OF LOCKDOWN, THERE ARE WAYS TO KEEP THE LOVE BURNING
Relationships are being tested as minor irritations become bigger issues among couples who have spent almost three months locked in together, leading to a spike in calls for help from a Cairns relationship counsellor.
Evolution of Intimacy founder and counsellor Ella Shannon says about two weeks into Cairns’ COVID-19 lockdown she started receiving an increase in calls for help.
Ella says some of the most likely couples to break down were those always ‘isolated’ from each other.
“So you’re in a relationship, but you’ve just been going through the motions,” Ella says.
“Taking the kids to school, going to work, going to yoga class, cooking dinner. But never truly spending time with each other.”
She says the lockdowns have forced these couples to spend a lot more time together, which has in turn, amplified smaller pre-existing issues.
“For whatever reason the communication and understanding hadn’t been there.
“Some couples felt like they didn’t really know each other anymore and that starts with communication.
“So even though they’re spending a lot more time with each other now, they feel really alone.
“And they might seem OK generally, they’re managing the kids really well and the house. But they feel like they’re not actually connecting on a deeper level and don’t really know each other’s hopes and dreams.”
Ella says these issues may have slipped under the radar prior to the lockdowns because most couples were oblivious to their problems. Their individual routines, social lives and outlets almost allowed no time to realise they were growing apart.
“The couples I’m seeing are generally loving … but they’ve been a bit slack really,” Ella says. “They just need that reminder to treat their relationship like an entity and not take it for granted. They need to invest time in it.”
And there’s the couples, who almost like everyone, took some time for the reality of lockdown to sink in.
“So they’ve gone from going to work, to the gym, yoga class and their usual social lives to just being locked in with their partner. So that release and time away isn’t there anymore. The connections aren’t there and they’re searching for those in their partners.
“And they’re now having more time to realise each other’s values and likes and dislikes. That’s where we’re seeing little niggly things creep in. It’s because they’re just not really understanding or appreciating each other enough.”
Ella says showing appreciation is the simple, yet difficult, solution all couples need.
“So even if your partner hasn’t done something right, instead of a personal attack, can you appreciate something out of their work?
“So taking a minimum 30 minutes and stopping, to value each other and putting that effort in. It can feel a bit forced to start with. But you need that buffer, so you know you’re each other’s person, you know you’re there for each other. Showing appreciation softens the senses then that allows you to communicate your differences easier.”
Ella says the lockdown wasn’t all bad news, with a lot of couples thriving with additional time together.
“Rather than rushing around, they’ve had time to slow down. Apparently puzzles have been selling, they’ve had more intimate and quality time together; things like going for walks.”