“Barry Manilow knows how to keep things spicy”

Tomás Ford is bringing his Crap Music Rave Party to town

Ford shares five of the very worst crimes against taste that never fail to send crowds wild. By Rose Johnstone

01 ‘JUST THE TWO OF US’ WILL SMITH

“It’s Dad-rap! Will Smith is one of the most requested ‘artists’ at these parties, so I can play pretty much any of his tracks and it will pack the floor, but this one is guaranteed to get everyone cringing as they dance.”

02 ‘DON’T CRY’ HUMAN NATURE

“Nobody remembers this song until the chorus, at which point any 35-year-old woman or gay man in the room loses their minds and dances like they’re at their year ten formal.”

03 ‘CHAIN REACTION’ STEPS

“I didn’t know this until someone wrote it on the request sheet with exclamation marks all around it. They were right to overuse punctuation. It’s massive! The terrible Latin American drum loop! The key changes! The bit where the music drops out and H sings the second verse!”

04 ‘COPACABANA’ BARRY MANILOW

“Speaking of tacky Latin drums, Barry Manilow knows how to keep things spicy. It’s hard to tell if Barry Manilow was ever unironically popular or if it was always something people put on for a laugh. In any case, this song sets the dancefloor alight.”

05 ‘THE KEY, THE SECRET’ URBAN COOKIE COLLECTIVE

“Put a glowstick in my hand, put those hands in the air and surround me with beautiful people and I might just have a transcendent musical experience that will change me forever. This song will still be crap though.”

Bella Union Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South 3053. www.bellaunion.com.au. $12-$15. 9pm. Sat May 21.