UNWRITTEN FUTURES

The unseen Terminators we all want...

Terminator Vs Birdman

An unstoppable object meets an unflappable force. Schwarzenegger and Michael Keaton go method-tomethod, stripped to their y-fronts in a megawatt stand-off between glum philosophical bullshit and apocalyptoporn. “Sixty’s the new 30, mo-fo,” rages Keaton. “Your gun,” says Arnie. “It is ridiculous.” An easy billion worldwide, guaranteed.

Look Who’s Terminating

The John Travolta/baby reunion no-one wanted – with a poo-ey twist. Little Mikey’s got morphing meconium: clearing it up, his baby-sitter gets eye-spiked by liquid-metal doo-doo. Mikey’s a maximuminfiltration T-baby, the cutest killer in time. Only Travolta can stop him: by dancing in Battlefield Earth boots until T-baby explodes laughing…

Terminator: Back Of The Skynet

The final battle will not be fought in the future. It will be fought here. In Norwich. Alan Partridge nearly chokes on his full English breakfast when his PC virus (too much grotbrowsing) morphs into the muscly form of Ahnuld. “Identity yourself,” demands the T-M1. “Smell my cheese,” splutters Partridge. Arnie: “I’ll be, er, off then…”

Terminator Vs Iron Man

Arnold and Robert Downey Jr. meet in a furious ferrous fight-off featuring explosions of alliterative excess. Nervous eye-to-eye contact ensues. “Explain yourself,” demands new model Arnie’s interrogative T-C4. “If anyone else asks any more nosy bloody questions my sulk levels are going freakin’ nuclear,” rages Downey. “And I WO N’T be back.”

The Terminator: Unfrozen

“Oh, look at that… I’ve been impaled!” says Olaf. When the chill leaves Arendelle, new danger defrosts: a T-10-below-zero, the T-Snowman. “The cold,” says Ahnuld, who does not want to build a snowman and will not let anything go. “It does not bother me.” R-rated, say studios (until it isn’t).