TF saves you a night out every month. this issue: we de-stretch Fantastic Four…
FADE IN: EXT: Junkyard, 2007 as if setting one of the first scenes in a rubbish tip weren’t enough of an omen, there’s the word ‘Grimm’ in giant red neon.
INT: Basement science bros young Miles Teller and young JAMIE Bell are attempting to build an ’80s-spielberg/ amblin vibe that will explode in their faces by act 2.
YOUNG MILES TELLER
We’ve almost nailed teleportation! I predict by the end of this movie we’ll have made a ton of money disappear down a black hole.
EXT: BIG Joyless laboratory, present day older Miles is still working on his device but the project has been nolan-ised: bigger scale, all grey, no gags allowed.
MILES TELLER
Quantum this, quantum that, inter-dimensional the other…
TOBY KEBBELL
Quantum this, quantum that, but with added unnecessary amounts of sneering. Giant action set-piece! Is what you’d expect to see right now. Instead, here’s some of the most thrilling scenes of welding since Flashdance.
MICHAEL B. JORDAN
If anyone needs me, I’ll be easing the boredom by breaking my arm in a car crash.
To test Miles’ machine, they send a chimp to another dimension but he comes back WITHOUT any superpowers at all. Which basically sums up everything that’s wrong with this movie.
MILES TELLER
ok, it’s 19 hours into the picture, probably time we tried the machine ourselves. Kate Mara – you stay behind, because you’re a girl.
KATE MARA
Got it! I’ll just stay here and touch-type like a woodpecker on crack.
EXT: planet Zero(-interest) Miles, Michael, Toby and JAMIE find themselves on an old Star Trek set covered in snot volcanoes.
TOBY KEBBELL
Bloody hell – not exactly Tomorrowland, is it? If it’s ok, I think I’ll have a lie-dead for half an hour. please, no one make the vaguest reference to my horrific demise until then, we don’t want any believability creeping in!
stuff blows up, carpeting everyone in Marvel radiation (no cancer! Free unitard!). still no super-monkeys.
INT: centre For research Into HOW MUCH Body Horror you can sneak Into a 12a
strapped to tables like short-contract Game Of Thrones actors, our heroes transform: Michael becomes Human Torch, Kate becomes Human soap-bubble Maker, JAMIE becomes Human rice Krispie Treat and Miles becomes Human Willy Gag Waiting To Happen.
JAMIE BELL
It’s self-pityin’ time! I’ll have my genitals back now, thanks.
MICHAEL B. JORDAN
aaargh! Having powers is SHIT!
a year passes – or those script pages got left in a cab, whatever. Miles has made his face look like it’s been sat on by an elephant. Kate has developed a tragic case of re-shoot wig.
KATE MARA
If this franchise fails, I’m a shoo-in for a Wurzel Gummidge reboot…
Galactus! skrulls! THE silver surfer! yeah, not in this movie. Instead, more shots of a slowly moving progress bar.
TOBY KEBBELL
Know I’ve left it a bit late, but let’s make up for the lack of supervillainy by splashing a few brains up the walls. not very kid-friendly? no problem: they all nodded off hours ago.
MILES TELLER
We’re almost half way to being a comic-book movie. Better have a big swirly portal just to be sure.
To ram home how humanity hangs in the balance, the final battle takes place nowhere near anyone.
MILES TELLER
oh, we need to come up with a film title… God, what a fantastic chore!
JAMIE BELL
Bingo!
FIN
next issue: The Martian