you talkin’ to me?
Film quotes pose as questions. Film stars try to cope.
You talkin’ to me?
I am talking to you from the ocean on the French Riviera. I just parasailed in to the Cannes Film Festival; can you believe it? My lower torso is submerged and that’s how I do all my best interviews, with a wet lower torso.
Do you feel lucky punk?
Yes, absolutely! I feel like I conned Hollywood into letting me work as a comedian. I can’t believe they have such low standards. But I feel very lucky to be in things as varied as Silicon Valley, Deadpool and The Emoji Movie, I have an HBO special coming out… I do feel like a lucky punk.
You either surf or you fight…
I fight. I’m not a very good surfer, not like Vincent Cassel [puts on a comedy French accent]. He loves to surf on the French Riviera! You know when I fight? I fight for my right to party. No worthier fisticuffs than those in the name of partying.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
No, it was a full moon so it was very, very light. If the devil wears Prada then I think I was dancing with my wife Kate [Gorney]. Dancing is the only reason I was able to marry the woman I did; have you seen my wife?! She is a knock-out and I am a toddler-bodied weirdo. Her first crush was this guy who was pop-locking at a party in sixth grade. I am very good at popping and locking; probably better at the popping than the locking. She saw me pop and lock when we first went to a party together and that was it, she became the heart-eyes emoji – which she actually plays in The Emoji Movie.
What’s your favourite scary movie?
You know what, I’m really into
Child’s Play because it really scares Kate. She’s scared of living dolls, so I’ve been making her watch it and she hates it because I’ll fall asleep and she has to watch the end on her own. [Perfect Brad Dourif impression] “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?”
‘THere Are No worTHIer fISTICuffS THAN THoSe IN THe NAMe of pArTYINg’
If you could change something in your life, anything at all, what would it be?
I’m trying to think… Maybe one would be I’d like to be a better brother to my sister, maybe. Spend more time with her. And I would also like to masturbate less in public. Yeah, it’s a problem. You should keep that to the confines of your own home.
When you can live forever, what do you live for?
Just keep living Matthew McConaughey style. I live to make people laugh. Life is a tragic endeavour and everybody could use the opiate that is comedy. Ryan [Reynolds] can do comedy and drama. I don’t know if you’re familiar with my work but I don’t do anything serious. I do not take myself seriously. It’s comedy for me; I’ll never be one of those guys who’s like, “This is more of a dramatic turn for me.” Fuck. That.
I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Whelm, that’s a tough one. Get it? Wow, that was a swing and a miss. I would say you can definitely be whelmed. It whelms my heart to even think of that possibility. I am completely whelmed by this whole thing, which should mean it’s fun. This is a really whelming interview, it’s going whelm so far.
What would you do if you knew you had less than one minute to live?
Probably count that motherfucker down with a nice bottle of Champagne.
Wanna get fucked up?
Ohhhh, Weasel-icious! Yes I do. I very much do, if only because it’s Cannes, and you can. I want Weasel to have a gun [in Deadpool 2] but I don’t know if they’ll ever do that. We’ll see! I hard-lined it and I said, “If I don’t get to use a gun in this one, I don’t wanna be in it. And if you guys won’t let me have a gun, I’ll still be in it.” I think it’s funny that Weasel only cares about himself. He’s just out for number one. I find a lot of comedy in Weasel – he’s willing to literally throw somebody under an actual bus and have them die if it means things will go better for him. JW
ETA | 4 AUGUST / THE EMOJI MOVIE OPENS THIS SUMMER. DEADPOOL 2 OPENS ON 1 JUNE 2018.