60-second screenplay
Star Wars: The Last Jedi gets roasted like a porg.
FADE IN:
OPENING CRAWL: The First Order has… Hang on. This movie’s set like, two minutes after the last one. This is a giant waste of three floating paragraphs. We have literally nothing to talk about. OK, OK, naming no names, but someone who rhymes with ‘Stewie’ backed up the Falcon’s lav during hyperspace. TWICE. How’s that?
EXT: SPACE BATTLE OSCAR ISAAC
Permission to blow shit up? Whoops, already did. Ptchew ptchew!
ANDY SERKIS
Adam Driver! You’re a chiiiiiild in a maaaaask! My contract’s up with this one, so I’m making the most of every syllable.
GENERAL DOMHNALL
Another busted mask, Adam? There are more battered helmets round here than at an STD clinic… EXT: AHCH-TO The galaxy holds its breath as DAISY RIDLEY hands the long-lost MARK HAMILL his long-lost lightsaber…
MARK HAMILL
What d’you want me to do, sign it? Go on then – 200 quid and I’ll throw in a fish nun pic. Oi, Dory! Over ’ere!
DAISY RIDLEY
No, no, no. I have come to learn the ways of the Force. Um, I’ve got a comb, if you want? You’re very matted.
MARK HAMILL
This is not going to go the way you think!
DAISY RIDLEY
So no lightsaber duels… no AT-ATs… no Millennium Falcon crashing through a tight space?
MARK HAMILL
OK, some of this is going to go the way you think! MARK grumps off to bother a space cow for a pint of semi-skimmed.
BOTHERED SPACE COW
I wouldn’t mind, but his hut’s right above a Sainsbury’s Local. INT: RESISTANCE FLAGSHIP
KELLY MARIE TRAN
We have an urgent mission, John Boyega. To find you a plot thread so you don’t just moon over Daisy the whole movie. JOHN and KELLY infiltrate CANTO BIGHT, the casino capital of the universe, open only to those who look like Toad of Toad Hall on a Vegas stag do.
LIBERATED SPACE HORSE
Yay freedom and all that, but even I’m more interested in what Daisy and Adam are doing right now… On AHCH-TO, DAISY masters Jedi finger-clicking and long-distance Force chats with ADAM.
ADAM DRIVER
Wow, there hasn’t been sexual tension like this in Star Wars since 1980… but anyway, enough about Chewie and the porgs. DAISY flies off to see ADAM, leaving MARK to renounce the Jedi Order and try out a new career in library arson.
OZ FRANK
Back am I! Honestly, you’re even more of a Muppet than me. To paraphrase my colleague Sam Jackson, over yourself get, you sorry muthaf…
INT: MEGA-STAR DESTROYER
DAISY meets ANDY, who’s a cross between Mr. Potato Head gone mouldy and The Greasy Strangler.
ANDY SERKIS
Suuuuch spuuuunk! I know I’m evil incarnate and all that, but can I say that in a Disney flick? ADAM throws a Force-strop that lightsabers the Supreme Git in half.
ANDY SERKIS!
Ha! You’re supposed to overthrow your master at the end of a trilogy, fool! I win again! Now bring me my slippers! And my legs, please. EXT: CRAIT With the help of GROOMED HOLOGRAM MARK and some SWAROVSKI FOXES, the Resistance successfully legs it.
OSCAR ISAAC
We’re the sticks that are gonna rub ourselves together to light the… um, let me work on that.
INT: CANTO BIGHT STABLE
We gaze upon a sight that will bring new hope to the galaxy: a broom.
STABLE BOY
You’re gonna replace it in post, right? I wanna a double red one, like Darth Maul!
FIN
NEXT ISSUE: THE COMMUTER