60-SEC­OND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EV­ERY MONTH. THIS IS­SUE: MIS­SION: IM­POS­SI­BLE – FALL­OUT…

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Mis­sion: Im­pos­si­ble – Fall­out. Destructs in 60 sec­onds?

INT: TOM CRUISE’S HEAD IMF ex­tra-spe­cial agent TOM dreams that his wed­ding is be­ing of­fi­ci­ated by über-ter­ror­ist SEAN HAR­RIS, just as a nuke drops. Not only that, the sausage rolls haven’t turned up and there isn’t enough pineap­ple for the cheese and pineap­ple hedge­hog! INT: SAFEHOUSE, BELFAST

TOM CRUISE

Yaargh! That’s the last time I watch Don’t Tell The Bride be­fore bed­time. The postie ar­rives with Pow­erPointaward-win­ning de­tails of TOM’s lat­est mis­sion.

MIS­SION-BESTOWING VOICE

Your mis­sion, should you choose to ac­cept it (spoiler alert: you ac­cept it), is to make the pre­vi­ous Mis­sions look like bad episodes of Spooks.

That one where you climbed the world’s tallest build­ing? Yeah, that’s Agent Cody Banks on a jun­gle gym com­pared to the crazy shit you’ll do here. Good luck – break a leg! Or an­kle, what­evs. EXT: BELFAST Faced with sav­ing VING RHAMES or pre­vent­ing bad­dies starting World War 3, TOM goes with VING.

VING RHAMES

Aw, cheers Tom! The world may die, but at least you’ve kept our bantz alive.

SI­MON PEGG

Also, looks like you’ve saved us all the faff of mak­ing fake broad­casts of nu­clear ar­maged­don! Whoo-hoo! TOM gets the oblig­a­tory first-act bol­lock­ing not just from his su­pe­rior, ALEC BALD­WIN, but from his su­pe­rior’s su­pe­rior, AN­GELA BAS­SETT.

AN­GELA BAS­SETT

Yeah, we’re dou­bling down on every­thing in this one.

ALEC BALD­WIN

You’re get­ting off lightly, TOM; that’s Black Pan­ther’s mum, you know – you should have seen her lose her shit that time he scratched the skirt­ing board…

HENRY CAV­ILL

Don’t mess with me, ei­ther – this is the ’tache that broke the DCEU!

TOM CRUISE

To France! How shall we travel? Pas­sen­ger flight? Eurostar? No, let’s freefall through a Bi­b­li­cal thun­der­storm onto a glass dome. INT: PARIS NIGHT­CLUB

HENRY CAV­ILL

Ah, Paris. So many pic­turesque places for a punch-up. The Lou­vre, maybe? Notre Dame? No, let’s do it in the men’s loos. HENRY, TOM and MR. MACGUFFIN turn the toi­lets to crap. BATH­ROOM AT­TEN­DANT Um… would any­one like a squirt of af­ter­shave? Plas­ter? Am­bu­lance? TOM and HENRY run into REBECCA FERGUSON from the last film and VANESSA KIRBY, whose mum was in the first film. TOM CRUISE What is this, a Fast & Fu­ri­ous re­boot?! Who else is on the call­back list? Tony Hop­kins? Sawyer from Lost? Fred Durst?

SI­MON PEGG

To Lon­don! Our mis­sion now is to re­dress the abuse of ge­og­ra­phy you com­mit­ted in The Mummy… TOM does 10 laps of the Thames, base-jumps from Big Ben and climbs the Gherkin back­wards.

TOM CRUISE

Right, I’ve fin­ished my warm-up, let’s… Oh no! Sort-of an­tag­o­nist turned ac­tual an­tag­o­nist Henry is get­ting away!

HENRY CAV­ILL

Yeah, doesn’t re­ally work to have a he­li­copter bat­tle here… bloody con­ges­tion charge!

TOM CRUISE

To Kash­mir! OK, gang – you dis­tract the in­sur­ance peo­ple while I make the stunt peo­ple re­dun­dant! The whole IMF team fran­ti­cally works to­gether to en­sure that TOM saves the day. Off-the-charts spec­ta­cle en­sues.

THE AU­DI­ENCE

Wow, that was amaz­ing… I soiled my­self and vom­ited pop­corn at the same time! The cast line up to blow so much smoke up TOM’s ass that he’s able to go un­der­cover as a chim­ney.

AN­GELA BAS­SETT

Yes, well done Tom… now, could some­one break me out of this iPhone screen? FIN NEXT IS­SUE: THE MEG

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