60 Second Screenplay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: THE MEG…
FADE IN:
EXT: THE SEA
A bunch of scientists are saved from their stranded sub by badass rescue diver THE STATH… who breaks off the operation when the vessel is attacked by a shark the size of a shopping centre. Which, for plot purposes, only THE STATH can see.
DISBELIEVING DOCTOR
Giant sea creature, my arse! Pull the other one, Moby Dickhead!
CUT TO: FIVE YEARS LATER
INT: UNDERWATER RESEARCH CENTRE
Gazillionaire financier RAINN WILSON arrives at the facility, where the corridors have been specially designed to cater for chase scenes and photogenic bite marks.
RAINN WILSON
Moi? A shifty stereotype destined for a messy end, you say? Maybe you’ve seen too many cheesy horror movies! In which case, you sure don’t need to see this one…
RAINN WILSON joins the scientists as they supervise the grand lunch, sorry, launch, of an exploratory submersible whose crew includes EX-MRS. THE STATH as well as OH LOOK, IT’S THAT GUY WHO USED TO BE IN HEROES.
EX-MRS. THE STATH
Help! We’re being attacked by a sea monster! There’s only person who can save us… Blake Lively! Oh, seems she’s busy? There’s only one person who can save us…
Roy Scheider! Oh, he’s dead is he? Fine, call Statham then.
EXT: THAILAND
CLIFF CURTIS
All hands on deck! There isn’t a moment to lose! [pause] Now, let’s all fly out to Thailand! Bagsy an aisle seat!
CLIFF and the gang discover the fate that has befallen the reclusive STATH: he’s become the least convincing drunk in movie history.
CLIFF CURTIS
Come off it, Stath – you’re less Withnail, more hard-as-nails! The Girl On The Cross-Trainer! Only thing you’ve been doing with that keg is bench-pressing it!
THE STATH
Whatever – I’m not coming with you and absolutely nothing you can say will change my mind! Aside from, “Go on, change your mind.”
Sobering up in the space of an edit, THE STATH returns with CLIFF and saves his ex. Although THAT GUY WHO USED TO BE IN HEROES is now THAT GUY WHO USED TO BE IN THE MEG.
EX-MRS. THE STATH
Cheers Jase – Aqua-ham to the rescue!
The crew discovers the creature is a Megalodon, which means ‘giant bastard shark’. THE SHIRTLESS STATH flirts awkwardly with LI BINGBING and bonds excruciatingly with her daughter.
CLIFF CURTIS
I’m worried about that kid… she’s going to out-act us all!
She’ll chew you up and spit out your Equity card!
The group manages to successfully track, trap and then poison the wrong Megalodon.
LI BINGBING
No! That means there’s at least another half-hour to go! And we’ve only enough budget left for one more iffy CGI swim-by! Two, tops!
Finally revealing his true, obvious colours, RAINN WILSON exits the movie via the gob of the Mega-Megalodon.
CLIFF CURTIS
The shark’s heading for the beach! Hundreds of pixels, I mean people, are in danger!
LI BINGBING
Anyone who hasn’t been rescued by The Stath yet – grab a ticket and get in line!
LI and THE STATH attack the shark with torpedoes, harpoons and terrible one-liners.
THE STATH
‘Coral’ yourself the king of the sea? Bite me, ‘chum’! Look, it’s no good – this film’s not even as funny as its own posters.
LI BINGBING
Well, at least it tried to represent diversity; one minute you can hear an American voice, the next Cockney… and that’s just your wobbly accent!
FIN
NEXT ISSUE: THE PREDATOR