60-SECOND SCREENPLAY

The Predator is in our laser-sight.

FADE IN: EXT: SPACE A big Predator ship chases a small Predator ship, which falls down a wormhole towards Earth. Thanks a bunch, wormhole. Everything’s out of control! It’s all fire and noise! We’re going into a giant nosedive! Also – I think there might be a metaphor in there somewhere!

FALLING PREDATOR

EXT: JUNGLE The ship crash-lands near sniper BOYD HOLBROOK, who happens to be taking out some members of a Mexican drug cartel in the area.

FALLEN PREDATOR

Drug cartel? What is this, Sicario Vs. Predator? Look, I don’t want to get caught up in any politics, I’m just here to do some slaughtering! The PREDATOR starts a game of skin the bit-parter, only to be incapacitated by BOYD, using his own gauntlet against him.

FALLING ASLEEP PREDATOR

So it takes Arnie an entire film to stop one of us, and this guy like five minutes? That wasn’t a wormhole, it was a plot hole!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Hmm, what to do with all this strange, potentially lethal alien technology? I know, I’ll pop it in the post to my schoolboy son! Can’t wait to see the look on his face. If he still has one, of course. INT: SUBURBAN HOUSE, US

JACOB TREMBLAY

A package from Dad! Wait, what’s all this state-of-the-art space crap? That deadbeat promised me Ninjago! JACOB presses a button that sends an e-vite to THE GALAXY’S BIGGEST, HARDEST PREDATOR.

THE GALAXY’S BIGGEST, HARDEST PREDATOR

Thanks, kid! Where’d you say you lived? Wait a mo, I’ll get a pen. Yeah, yeah, that’s right, I’m just like E.T. Tend to be a bit lairier when I’ve had a beer, mind. INT: GOVERNMENT LAB The earlier PREDATOR lies restrained with sticky tape and pipe cleaners (double knotted).

HAPLESS SCIENTIST

There, that should hold ’im! Now, who’s up for the world’s most suicidal game of Operation? Oh look, my left arm’s suddenly missing. The PREDATOR legs it, massacring anyone who’s not in the trailer. Also given a free pass: anyone gratuitously naked called Olivia.

OLIVIA MUNN

Quickly, deploy the callback one-liners! Come on! They’re here! Kill them! Do it now! OLIVIA teams up with BOYD and a group of military vets who swap ‘mum’ jokes that date back to 1987.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Here comes another Predator, twice as tall as the first! My years of combat experience tell me there’s only one way to defeat it: find somewhere with a low ceiling.

TREVANTE RHODES

Oh shit, there are also two Predator dogs! Why couldn’t it be Predator cats?! They’d give us a bit of a scratch, get bored and go back to licking their mandibles. The big Predator kills the little Predator and kidnaps Jacob.

JACOB TREMBLAY

Well, at least I don’t have to listen to another 40 minutes of knob gags… EXT: FOREST Our heroes battle THE GALAXY’S BIGGEST, HARDEST PREDATOR in scenes of explosive carnage too poorly lit to actually see.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Who’s dead? Am I dead? Or did it just butcher a hedge instead?

THE PREDATOR

Shall we do this in my ship instead? I think I just harpooned my own shin… INT: GOVERNMENT LAB With THE GALAXY’S BIGGEST, HARDEST PREDATOR defeated, it’s time for the big sequel-baiting reveal…

OLIVIA MUNN

What’s it gonna be then? An Arnie cameo? Zombie Carl Weathers? An actual ending? No, it’s a new Predator suit that does… nothing.

AUDIENCE

You set us up! Get to the car park! FIN NEXT ISSUE: VENOM