60-SECOND SCREENPLAY
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: glass
We shatter M. Night’s Glass into a million tiny pieces.
FADE IN:
EXT: PHILADELPHIA
Superhuman vigilante BRUCE WILLIS randomly brushes up against strangers to see if they’ve committed any misdemeanours. Like, say, randomly brushing up against strangers.
BRUCE WILLIS
You’re OK… you’re OK… you need to do that using your OWN sock, you animal! After a slow night dishing out the odd life-changing injury, BRUCE heads home to son SPENCER TREAT CLARK.
SPENCER TREAT CLARK
[surfing the web] Dad! You’ve got a new superhero name – The Overseer! Although for anyone who saw you in Death Wish, ‘So Over It – See Ya’ might be more apt…
BRUCE WILLIS
Well, I’ve been called worse: ‘Die Hard With A Pac A Mac’; ‘Bruce Raincoat’; ‘One-Poncho Man’; ‘A Good Day To Dry Clean’. BRUCE pops across the Shyamalanverse to save kidnapped cheerleaders from JAMES MCAVOY, who is exhibiting Multiple Performance Syndrome.
BRUCE WILLIS
What a waste of energy! Why not do things the other way round and give the same performance across lots of different films? Um, not that I’d know anything about that… BRUCE fights JAMES’ superstrong persona, THE VEIN-POPPER.
BRUCE WILLIS
Oh, cheers. Why couldn’t you be Gnomeo & Juliet James McAvoy? I could have him, defo. After evading arrest for nearly two decades, BRUCE falls foul of the cops’ fiendish plan: waving torches and yelling “You’re under arrest!” He and JAMES are arrested and carted off to a high-security, low-budget institution. INT: GLASS-YLUM
SARAH PAULSON
Hello everyone, I’m – apparently – the one and only doctor in this entire, cavernous building. We’re much better off for nurses; there are two of them. Is this film meant to be a commentary on comic books, or the NHS?! SARAH sits before JAMES, BRUCE and the latter’s nemesis SAMUEL L. JACKSON, who’s so heavily sedated he can’t say anything. Though he’s clearly signing “motherfucker” with his eyebrows.
SARAH PAULSON
Bad news: I’ve got three days to persuade you you’re normal. Really bad news: thanks to staff shortages, these bedpans ain’t gonna empty themselves… BRUCE lies down for the next hour, letting clips from Unbreakable do his acting for him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
‘Glass’, my ass! Give me something to do, Night, before McAvoy turfs me out my wheelchair and starts playing Professor X as well!
SARAH PAULSON
Right, I need a volunteer to help clear away this dead nurse. Looks like you’ll be doing your own sponge baths from now on, boys! SAMUEL teams up with JAMES, convinces him to battle BRUCE and then escapes from the hospital, all while finding the time to dress up as Prince in ‘Purple Rain’. FIN
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Let’s go and destroy that high-tech tower! Actually, we probably don’t have the budget for that. Let’s fight in the hospital car park! SARAH’s armed operatives join the battle. JAMES is shot to death. SAMUEL’s body is crushed. BRUCE drowns.
SPENCER TREAT CLARK
Bit much, innit? What is this, Gaspar Noé’s Infinity War?
SARAH PAULSON
Delete all footage of the superhumans! Wait, Samuel hacked the cameras and uploaded everything to the web? Who knew this shitty dump had such great broadband?
INT: TRAIN STATION
SPENCER, ANYA-TAYLOR JOY and SAMUEL’S STRANGELY YOUNG MUM form the LEGION OF UNREMARKABLE SUPPORTING CHARACTERS.
ANYA-TAYLOR JOY
Let’s release the footage to the public… just imagine, a world where everyone’s watching superhumans on their devices! What a startling vision!
SPENCER TREAT CLARK
Hang on a sec, just watching the Endgame trailer again… NEXT ISSUE – ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL