60-SECOND SCREENPLAY
TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: THE WITCHES…
Shrinking down Zemeckis’ The Witches to mouselike proportions.
FADE IN:
EXT: ALABAMA, LATE ’60S We meet hapless young lad JAHZIR BRUNO as his older self CHRIS ROCK narrates. CHRIS ROCK [VOICEOVER]: I know what you’re thinking: “Am I watching Everybody Hates Chris by mistake?!” Ha ha! Yeah, give it 20 minutes and you’ll wish you were… Over images of everyday Wiccan wickedness, CHRIS continues: CHRIS ROCK First thing you need to know about witches? They’re real! Second thing you need to know about witches? They’re here! They’re everywhere! Third thing? I’m totally overselling this. You can count the number of memorable witches in this movie on the fingers of one mitten. JAHZIR’s parents die in a car accident. He goes to live with kindly grandmother OCTAVIA SPENCER. INT: OCTAVIA’S HOUSE OCTAVIA cheers JAHZIR up with hugs, home cooking and the movie’s Best Of The ’60s compilation soundtrack. JAHZIR BRUNO This is so lovely. I wish we could stay in this scene for the rest of the story! VIEWER I wish I didn’t get the feeling I’ll be thinking the same thing soon… INT: SUPERMARKET JAHZIR BRUNO Help me, Octavia! A witch just tried to get me with a scarily unconvincing snake! It was like being menaced by a draught excluder! OCTAVIA SPENCER Sigh. I guess it’s time I told you about the existence of a great evil: shonky CGI. When I was little, my best friend was turned into a chicken. Which wouldn’t have been so bad, except I’ve seen more realistic-looking birds on the front of a Corn Flakes packet. Fearful of being targeted by malicious cowboy animators, OCTAVIA and JAHZIR decide to hide out in a nearby hotel. INT: HOTEL OK Jahzir, here’s OCTAVIA how you SPENCER spot a witch: claws, purple High eyes, Witch, wigs it’s the all size of the of above haystacks. plus an For accent a Grand stolen from the Count on Sesame Street. ANNE HATHAWAY Vell, helloooo zair! One-ah! Two-ah! CHRIS ROCK [VOICEOVER]: And with the arrival also of hotel manager Stanley Tucci, we all braced ourselves for some proper bantz! Still bracing, in fact. ANNE HATHAWAY/STANLEY TUCCI [Together] You were so much funnier in The Devil Wears Prada. What?!? INT: BALLROOM ANNE gathers her coven for a business seminar exploring best practice in moppet-cide. ANNE HATHAWAY Let’s give the kids a potion that will turn them into mice! [Pause] Into mice-like avatars! Look, hopefully if we just keep the saying the word ‘mice’ the audience will get what they’re supposed to be. The plan witches and, in the discover film’s JAHZIR most disturbing has overheard scene, their viciously pixellate him. Hey, does this mean JAHZIR I get BRUNO to spend the rest of the movie hanging booth? out with Good Chris times! in the voiceover An epic struggle commences: kiddie rodents versus Stretch Anne-strong. CHRIS ROCK [VOICEOVER]: I know what you’re thinking: “Am I watching some unholy mash-up between Death Becomes Her and Stuart Little?” Ha ha ha! Yes. Yes you are. INT: HOTEL DINING HALL OCTAVIA SPENCER I’m going to witch-slap those villains by feeding them their own potion! ANNE escapes one poisoning only to be tricked into another, turning her into a new creature: part rat, part ultimate diva. ANNE HATHAWAY Just call me Greta Gar-bage! ANNE becomes cat food and we suddenly fast-forward several years, meeting SCARY AF CHRIS ROCK MOUSE. CHRIS ROCK [VOICEOVER]: I know what you’re thinking: “Am I suddenly watching Nic Roeg’s version with an added drop of furry CG nightmare fuel?” Nope – this is way worse… FIN NEXT ISSUE: TBC