60-SECOND SCREENPLAY
Razing Army Of The Dead.
FADE IN: EXT. A newlywed HIGHWAY couple have sex while driving and mysterious, crash into possibly a military extra-terrestrial, convoy transporting cargo from Area 51. SOLDIER The film’s just started and we’ve already featured sex, aliens and explosions. Story integrity has been compromised! Repeat, story integrity has been– A zombie breaks out of the containment unit and kills all the soldiers in horrendously gory ways. SOLDIER Dear God. Our only hope is that Zack Snyder will now rein things in a bit. INT. GREASY DINER Gratuitously bloody zombie deaths play out in an overlong slow-motion montage that also features lots of unnecessary nudity. Meanwhile, DAVE BAUTISTA flips burgers. CASINO OWNER The president is dropping a nuclear bomb on Las Vegas in four days, but there’s $200 million in my bank vault. I need you to go and get it. I will pay you considerably less money than that. DAVE BAUTISTA assembles a crack team including a pilot, a safe-cracker, a smuggler, a YOUTUBER and more. He somehow still needs his estranged daughter ELLA PURNELL to drive them there. ELLA PURNELL Wait, my friend is trapped with the zombies! I demand to go too, despite there being less than zero chance she’s still alive. Absolutely not! DAVE But insisted also BAUTISTA a yes, bit. OK, because you EXT. The team LAS VEGAS enter the containment gates and spot a questions zombie tiger, about which the zombie raises virus. many unanswered By the way, the NORA zombies ARNEZEDER aren’t all slow, stupid monsters. It’s complicated. Some are clever. Also But they they have still a king. eat people. Then maybe my ELLA friend PURNELL is still alive and I can reunite her with her children? NORA ARNEZEDER Um, sure… INT. CASINO The team get inside and pair off to offer some different character dynamics. NORA ARNEZEDER I really don’t trust you. SHIFTY GARRET DILLAHUNT Why? Actually, don’t worry. Just help me decapitate this Zombie Queen so I can sell her head for personal gain. DAVE BAUTISTA Hey everyone, the nuke is now launching early and we now only have 90 minutes to– MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHÖFER dies after throwing OMARI HARDWICK in the bank vault to save his life. SHIFTY GARRET gets his face eaten off by the zombie tiger. The YOUTUBER explodes. DAVE Never BAUTISTA mind. EXT. ELLA CASINO PURNELL ROOF actually finds her friend. DAVE BAUTISTA rescues them both and they escape in a helicopter. The Zombie King jumps in and fights them. ELLA PURNELL Yikes! Oh well, at least we missed the nuke. The nuke lands and the shockwave hits the helicopter. DAVE BAUTISTA kills the Zombie King but not before being bitten. The helicopter crashes in the desert. ELLA PURNELL Ugh, now I have to kill my dad. Is my friend even still alive? Come to think of it, her children probably died in the blast anyway. Oh well, at least the zombies have been destroyed. EXT. LAS VEGAS OMARI HARDWICK exits the bank vault completely unharmed and unaffected by any nuclear radiation. OMARI HARDWICK I’m still alive and now I have loads of money! He notices he has been bitten and is just taking a long time to turn into a zombie for dramatic effect and sequel bait. OMARI HARDWICK Noooo! I demand a Snyder recut! FIN NEXT ISSUE: TBC