Total Film

YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?

Film quotes pose as questions. Film stars try to cope.

- IN THE CROSSHAIRS THIS MONTH BRETT GOLDSTEIN

Are you talkin’ to me?

It looks like it, doesn’t it? For Ted Lasso,

I spoke to an old football captain, and he said, “Part of my job was to scare people.” One day, a new, young player on the other team came up to him and said, “I’ve just got to say, this is such an honour, playing with you. I’m a huge fan.” And he turned to him and said, “Are you talking to me? Who the fuck are you? I don’t fucking know you.” And he said, “That was how I had to do it.” And I thought, ‘What a lovely story.’

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Here’s how lucky I feel: I think karma is a thing, and I don’t think I’m a particular­ly good person, so in my last life, I must have been very fucking saintly. It’s slightly worried me that in my next life, I’ll come back as a poo to make up for how lucky I’ve been in this life.

Do you have an ‘off’ switch?

I do not have an ‘off’ switch, and that is a problem. My brain is always at a million miles an hour. The only thing that does switch me off is to get me in the sea. Get me in the sea, and then I’m like, “I’m happy. That’s it.” Maybe I was a little mermaid in the last life.

Why don’t you tell me the story of your life?

I think the story of my life is like most people’s. It’s almost the trajectory of the Toy Story films – 1, 2, 3 and 4. You’re born. You learn that you’re not special. You learn that people leave. You learn that people die. And then you find peace by running off with Bo Peep.

Do you have the slightest idea of what a moral and ethical principle is?

I guess I do, but then – I think most bad people also think they do. So who is to say? We also talk about how it’s like a feeling you get in your gut – right and wrong. But I’m always like, “Yeah, but is that indigestio­n? So what is anything? I mean you’ve sent me into an existentia­l panic with that question, to be honest.

‘IN MY NEXT LIFE, I’LL COME BACK AS A POO TO MAKE UP FOR HOW LUCKY I’VE BEEN IN THIS LIFE’

So what are you afraid of?

Burning to death in a fire. I wouldn’t mind drowning because I love water.

What’s normal anyways?

I dread normal. Arguably, nothing is normal, and no one is normal. What I fear is arguing over who’s going to empty the dishwasher. That’s the ultimate dread.

If I say to you, “Don’t think about elephants” – what do you think about?

Elephants having sex. Really full-on, gross sex. That’s the question, right? And good luck to them, I’d say. They’re having a lovely time in my head. I don’t know why you put that thought there, but you did.

Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?

In my experience, it’s harder when you’re a kid. I was a real, miserable, “old man” kid. I was like a 60-year-old inside. The older I get, the happier I am, actually. I’m like Benjamin Button. I was born a very cynical man, and I’ve got older and older, and more like, “Oh, it’s alright.”

You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?

Yes. Look, David Lynch is my hero, and I think it’s like the line in Twin Peaks: The Return: “We are like the dreamer who dreams and lives inside the dream. But who is the dreamer?” I think that tells you everything you need to know. I could talk about [TP: TR] all day. I think about Twin Peaks and Twin Peaks: The Return once a day, and I have since Twin Peaks was first on. My brain space is 90 per cent dust, 10 per cent Twin Peaks – always.

If you could change anything in your life, anything at all, what would it be?

There was a programme, FlashForwa­rd, which ran for 24 episodes, and then was cancelled. I regret watching it because it was all, “What does it mean?” and then they cancelled it before you found out what it meant. I wasted 24 hours of my life watching it, over a year. Genuinely, that’s my only regret. I wish I hadn’t watched FlashForwa­rd. Not that it was bad. It just never answered anything.

Do you like what you do for a living, these things that you see?

I love it. I truly love it. I think it’s insane that I get to do it, and I would do it for free. Please don’t tell Apple I said that.

Am I supposed to be the little girl?

“I’d like you to be!” I realise it sounds dodgy out of context, so thanks for that. Maybe watch the show, and then realise I’m not being dodgy. JF

ETA | 23 JULY / TED LASSO STREAMS WEEKLY ON APPLE TV+.

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 ??  ?? Brett Goldstein stars as Roy Kent in Ted Lasso.
Brett Goldstein stars as Roy Kent in Ted Lasso.

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