60 SECOND SCREENPLAY
TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE SECRETS OF DUMBLEDORE
FADE IN: EXT. FOREST
NEWT REDMAYNDER helps a psychic deer give birth. Suddenly MADS GRINDELSEN’s gang steals the newborn.
MADS GRINDELSEN
Don’t worry that I look different. We’re going to ignore it, even though there is an in-universe precedent for me changing my face. MADS GRINDELSEN kills the deer and has a vision of what happens later in the film, which doesn’t make any sense at all and so is very accurate.
NEWT REDMAYNDER
Oh look, a second psychic deer. That might come in useful later.
INT. HOG’S HEAD INN
JUDE DUMBLELAW gathers a team of wizards to defeat MADS GRINDELSEN. The absence of previous lead character KATHERINE WATERSTON is extremely conspicuous.
JUDE DUMBLELAW
Right, I have individual secret tasks for you all. Grindelsen can see the future now so the only way to stop him is to have no plan!
JACOB MUGGLESKI
But he can… see the future? So how will that help? The team splits up. JACOB MUGGLESKI attends a wizarding political event and sees ALISON SUDOL who previously left him to join the bad guys. She is now instantly good again.
MINISTER OF MAGIC
I hereby acquit Grindelsen of all previous charges. Even though there are many witnesses who have seen him murder people.
EXT. STREET, BERLIN
EZRA MILLER stalks JUDE DUMBLELAW from afar, but is immediately spotted. They fight.
JUDE DUMBLELAW
OK, fine. Let me tell you the truth. You are the illegitimate son of my brother. I probably should have said something sooner.
EZRA MILLER
Hmm, maybe you’re actually the good guy and maybe the wizard I’ve befriended who is trying to kill a bunch of people isn’t?
INT. DINNER EVENT
JACOB MUGGLESKI and ALISON SUDOL foil an assassination attempt. A chaotic fight ensues.
MADS GRINDELSEN
Did everyone see that? This muggle tried to kill me! Boo muggles! Now please vote for me! Meanwhile NEWT REDMAYNDER rescues his brother from a prison guarded by a gigantic scorpion. They escape by doing a funny walk.
NEWT’S BROTHER
So is this all part of Dumblelaw’s plan?
NEWT REDMAYNDER
Literally who even knows.
EXT. BHUTAN
MADS GRINDELSEN resurrects the psychic deer as a zombie ready for an absolutely bonkers ritual in which it will choose the leader of the wizarding world.
MINISTER OF MAGIC
Behold! The deer has chosen Grindelsen! We must all now do everything he says, like kill muggles probably.
JUDE DUMBLELAW
Wait! This election result cannot stand and not just because it’s weird. That deer is a zombie! Luckily, I have a real, live one here. The deer kneels in front of JUDE DUMBLELAW but he shoos it away so it just chooses an important-looking person instead. Everyone fights and MADS GRINDELSEN is defeated.
EZRA MILLER
Now that’s over, I think I can die, because I’m not sure what else my character can do.
DUMBLELAW’S BROTHER
Not before you spend some time with your dear dad! Aren’t we lucky to meet each other just before your tragic and resentment-filled life comes to an end?
EXT. BAKERY
Everyone gets ready for JACOB MUGGLESKI and ALISON SUDOL’s wedding, including KATHERINE WATERSTON, which just reminds everyone that she’s been absent this whole time.
NEWT REDMAYNDER
So Grindelsen has either escaped or been killed depending on whether we get another sequel out of this franchise. What do you think?
PSYCHIC DEER
Outlook not so good…
FIN
NEXT ISSUE: DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS