RUNNING RINGS AROUND OPPOSITION
WITH the Olympics almost certain to be held in Brisbane in 2032, opportunity abounds up here for towns and cities to put their hands up to host new, unique events.
Brisbane doesn’t have to hog all of the events. Let’s line up for our slice of the Olympic cake.
Look what we’ve got to offer. Townsville with its stadiums, luxury accommodation houses and natural attributes is a lay down misere for Olympic boxing, given the publicity lent to the sport after the Fireball Friday, bar-room brawl back in January between Les ‘Lights Out’ Walker and his as-yet unnamed opponents, AKA the Ghosts Who Walk, at the Mad Cow Tavern in Flinders Street. There is no indication as yet if Les is in training and in Olympic contention, but if he is not pulling on the gloves, then we at least hope to see him in a white shirt and bow tie refereeing the heavyweight title in the main bar at ‘The Cow’. Free drinks afterwards, courtesy of Les.
DAYS OF THUNDER
Given that the Townsville metropolis is the car theft capital of Australia, where high-speed vehicle chases are now a daily (and nightly) occurrence, it’s only natural that the city should offer to accommodate the Olympic Demolition Derby. With so much natural driving talent at our beck and call, we’d be mad not to make the most of it. For drivers, ankle tracking bracelets and hoodies will be mandatory.
MUDDY GREAT IDEA
WHAT events will be held in our beautiful sister city to the north? We speak, of course, of Cairns. The answer is bog snorkelling. Advisers from the International Olympic Committee headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland completed a whirlwind tour of the far northern city this week and left agog at what they described as the world’s best mudflats.
“Yes, it is where we will hold the Olympic bog snorkelling. There is no place better; not even Julia Creek – the womb, the crucible of Australian bog snorkelling, can match these marvellous mudflats at Cairns. Thousands of people will line the esplanade to watch. I have never seen so much mud,” IOC sports adviser
Igor Puttinbootin said.
INGHAM IN RUNNING
INGHAM, ahh Ingham, sitting there on the Herbert River floodplain, will be where the running events will be held. The ability to run fast is essential in Ingham. You have to dodge and weave just to keep one step ahead of the swamp dogs that lurk around residents’ yards, looking for a free feed of chook, dog, cat or unwary human.
And just up the road lies the beating heart of the swamp dog kingdom, Cardwell. As this is the croc capital of the universe, there will be no synchronised swimming, water polo or other water-based events at Cardwell. Instead, organisers are hoping to hold the mountain bike competition in the Kirrama Range behind the sleepy seaside village. “There are scrub ticks, pythons, taipans, and maybe even jaguars and
yowies up in the range, but as far as we know the ’gators haven’t made it up there yet,” a Cardwell resident told us this week.
SHOOTING FOR MOON
Richmond Mayor John Wharton won’t knock back the Olympic Moon Rock Throwing competition. Cr Wharton said housing the hundreds of competitors and officials in the north-western cow-town would not be a problem.
“Our road crew will have finished a job up on the Croydon track by then. We’ll bring their accommodation dongas back, fire up the compressors and blow the bulldust and brown snakes out of them. If anyone misses out on a bed, there’s plenty of swag room out on the flat and you can always get a good feed of corned beef at our two pubs,” he said.
ISA’S THE PLACE, NO BULL
MOUNT ISA, home of the famous Isa rodeo, can host the Olympic bronc and bull riding events. There’s a rumour doing the rounds that onetime mayor, Honest John Molony, will buck out on a horse called Death Wish in a warm-up to the Isa Olympics. Way back in 2011, when he was the Isa’s Big Kahuna, Honest John, a lovely bloke whose only mistake was to think he was still living ving in 1964, came up with the bril- liant solution to the e women shortage in the Isa. He urged “beautychallenged” women to move to the north-west mining centre because it was here, in this desert rt oasis, that these hard-up p sheilas might find their r testosterone-supercharged Prince Charmings and live happily ever after. As you could well imagine, it did not go down a treat with the 21st century sisterhood. Honest John, who was a real-life Gulf Country head stockman in his younger days, suddenly found out that riding rough horses and wrestling scrub bulls was nothing compared to being verbally belted around the head by angry women. I d digress, I know, but boy, we su sure do miss mayors like H Honest John Molony (pictu tured left).
TOWERS T ON TRACK
WHERE else would you hold the Olympic dirt bike ev event than in Charters T Towers? Mayor Frank Bever eridge, a motocross enthusiast and Olympic contender, is lobbying hard to get the event held in the city they used to call The World.
One Charters Towers Regional Council insider told us this week there would be no need to build a dirt bike track.
“Mate, our tracks. They the old Daintree CREB track look like a fourlane highway. Potholes, bumps, rocks and logs, and throw in a few pigs and plenty of ’roos and you’ve got the picture. And I’m just talking about Mosman Street, the main drag.
Wait ’til you roads are dirt bike m a k e get out of town a bit. I’m tellin’ you straight, there’s no better place than the Towers for a dirt bike race.”
MUDDIE WRESTLING
AYR and Home Hill have been fighting (wow, as if that is news) about where the Olympic mud crab tying event should be held. Home Hill wants it down at Groper Creek and Ayr wants it at Giru.
A leak from one Olympic official yesterday confirmed that the committee was locked 50-50 and would stay that way until delegates from either Ayr or Home Hill sent one dozen brown paper bags stuffed with $100 notes to the IOC meeting room.
“It is simple,” said IOC media spokesperson Charlotte Shonky this week. “Whoever comes up with the money first will get the mud crab tying event.”
Asked if this was a bribe, Ms Shonky said: “No, we prefer to call it an incentive payment, a gesture of goodwill, if you like. It is a way for ou our supporters to show th their appreciation for th the hard work we at the IO IOC do. We do not acce cept bribes. And should yo you suggest it we will su sue your a..e all the way to China and back.”
Meanwhile, in Ayr an and Home Hill chook ra raffles are going off at a fu furious pace as the two ri river towns vie to be the fi first t to send brown paper bags stuffed with cash by Express Post to Boss Man, IOC C/- Post Office, Lausanne.
Yes, in 2032 North Queensland, from bog snorkelling to demolition derbies, will show the world what Olympic sport is all about.
CAUTION: This article credibility alerts. contains