SID THE PSY­CHI­A­TRIST

WE CAN'T VOUCH FOR HIS QUAL­I­FI­CA­TIONS BUT HIS AD­VICE IS PRICE­LESS

Tracks - - BITSA -

I fear I have missed the sin­gle fin, twin, fish retro move­ment. I have just rein­vested in a new quiver of thrusters, and so won’ t be get­ting on it any­time soon. I wasn’ t too wor­ried, but I re­cently saw Filipe Toledo rid­ing at winny, and that had me panic king. Spud McKen­zie, Bulli

I un­der­stand that when the world’s premier high per­for­mance aeri­al­ist starts show­ing up with a twinny, you could start ques­tion­ing your board choice. How­ever, if you are locked into your choice for a while, why not em­brace it? Think of Toledo’s ef­forts as a jump the shark mo­ment, and soon (i.e. in about five years) the trusty thruster will have its retro mo­ment in the sun. You’ll be so ahead of the curve, by then you’ll be glass­ing those three fins in and be some type of lo­cal or­a­cle. Sit tight, your time will come.

For the last four years my boyfriend has gone to In­done­sia ev­ery win­ter for three months surf­ing, but won’ t take me. Should I be wor­ried? April,Redgate

Yes.

I’ m find­ing it in­creas­ingly hard to gain my fat her-in-law’ s re­spect. He’ s a bit of a big wave leg­end around where we live, and as I’ ve just moved here and don’ t re­ally like huge waves he’ s turned against me. Worse, I think my misses kind of agrees with him. Any ideas? D ion W ag horn, Wool am ai

Oh, I feel for you Dion. Bust­ing in on any fa­ther daugh­ter re­la­tion­ship is tricky enough, with­out adding big wave bravado and out­dated lo­cal­ism to the mix. Deal­ing with your fa­ther-in-law is prob­a­bly the eas­i­est place to start. Ig­nore his at­tempts to pres­sure you into rid­ing a 7’6” and con­cen­trate on treat­ing his daugh­ter right. It is that be­hav­iour that will win favour from any self-re­spect­ing fa­ther. Your mis­sus is a dif­fer­ent mat­ter. You’ll need to step lightly around her re­la­tion­ship with her dad, the most for­ma­tive in any girl’s life, but still re­quest sup­port. She mar­ried you, not her dad, even if that may be le­gal in cer­tain Aus­tralian back­wa­ters. Then, if all that fails, grab that 7’6” off the old man, pad­dle out and take off on the big­gest, gnarli­est wave you can find. You might drown, but if you don’t, those Sun­day lunches might get a whole lot eas­ier.

I’ ve just read the book Bar­bar­ian Days by Wil­liam Fin­negan. It’ s the best book about surf­ing ever writ­ten, but it has left me bereft with the feel­ing that I’ ll never have the free­dom and balls to travel and surf like I did in my 20s ever again. Daz, Sunny Coast

I agree on that Bar­bar­ianDays is the best surf book ever writ­ten (and yes I’ve read Kelly Slater’s PipeDreams and Mick Fan­ning’s Surf

ForYourLife), and that it tells a tale of un­sur­passed surf­ing wan­der­lust. How­ever the sim­plest psy­chol­ogy is about think­ing pos­i­tive and then set­ting achiev­able goals. Use the book as in­spi­ra­tion, not as a lament. Now you don’t need to de­camp to Honolua Bay and take acid, or live in a tent for four months in Mi­crone­sia, but in­stead add el­e­ments of new travel to your year, and more surf­ing to your life­style. The book, at its heart, is about putting surf­ing at the cen­tre of your de­ci­sion mak­ing process. Do that more, and like Will, you’ll reap the re­wards.

I have a very strange pe­nis. It is as thick as it is wide. I’ m very em­bar­rassed and feel it is af­fect­ing my con­fi­dence with the girls I like. War horse, The Bluff

Warhorse, you are not alone. Ev­ery sin­gle pe­nis is strange. They are all fuck­ing ridicu­lous. And yours even has a name, it’s called a Choad. So that’s good news, right? Men tend to over­play the role of the donger, often to their detri­ment. Women are more in tune to more im­por­tant is­sues like your emo­tional depth, com­mu­ni­ca­tion skills and hu­mour. Con­cen­trate on those, and your Choad will be busy enough in no time.

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