I’M IN THE SHED

SWAP MEET ETI­QUETTE

Unique Cars - - CONTENTS -

1. Un­der no cir­cum­stances visit an ATM on the way.

2. Tell your wife you are ‘just go­ing to have a look to see what is there’.

3. Stay up late drink­ing the night be­fore.

4. For­get to take the head­light rim you are try­ing to match to fin­ish a restora­tion.

5. Ar­range to meet a mate when there but do not specif y where or when.

6. For­get your hat, for­get the sun­screen and sus­tain third de­gree sun­burn.

7. Eat a pie for break­fast.

8. Join a queue for cof­fee that hardly moves for half an hour and jig­gle from one foot to the other with frus­tra­tion as you imag­ine all the bar­gains be­ing snapped up while you wait.

9. Ad­mire the ru­ins of an old Tri­umph mo­tor­bike and end up tak­ing it home even though you have eleven mo­tor­bikes to re­store in the shed al­ready. You are 82.

10. Fos­sick­ing through a large tub of rusty crap, cut your in­dex fin­ger and won­der when you last had a tetanus in­jec­tion. 11. Buy a gear­box and axle for a car you do not own and never will.

12. Wear thongs.

13. Wear un­der­pants with elas­tic that is no longer elas­tic.

14. Lust af­ter the mag­nif­i­cent scale-model scratch-built live-steam en­gine an el­derly widow is sell­ing from her hus­band’s es­tate and then dis­cover she is ask­ing $3500 for it.

15. Buy noth­ing all day and go home promis­ing your­self you will not bother go­ing to a swap meet ever again.

16. Pick up a rare own­ers hand­book for a model of car you owned thirty years ago and find your own name in­side the cover.

17. Eat a pie for lunch.

18. Grab the miss­ing vol­ume for the in­cred­i­bly hard to find spare parts man­ual for the ob­scure model of Alfa Romeo you own and then when you get home find vi­tal pages miss­ing.

19. In­vest in a stun­ning ex­pen­sive heav y cut-glass multi-coloured vase to im­press your wife and then wrap it care­lessly in news­pa­per and leave it rolling around in the boot of the car on the high­way home thus caus­ing it to chip on the lip be­fore you even get to give it to her.

20. Find the only 1949 Citroen 2CV Van left un­re­stored prob­a­bly in the world, take the seller’s num­ber, pass it on to car club friends and then for the rest of your life re­gret not buy­ing it your­self.

21. Buy a dozen cans of re­mark­ably cheap spray can paint and dis­cover there is zero pres­sure when you go to use it and that is why it was so cheap.

22.

Query whether it is worth­while to go down the fi­nal aisle at the end of a long and tir­ing day and then dis­cover the best enamel sign you have ever bought just as you were turn­ing away be­cause it was not worth the ex­tra en­erg y.

23. Agree­ing to look out for a spare MG TF gear­box for a mate who could not at­tend and spend hours ask­ing any­one with MG parts if they have a gear­box for a TF – with zero suc­cess.

24. Hag­gle stub­bornly over the price for a vin­tage Stan­ley plane and then won­der why you even wanted it in the first place. 25. Ad­mire the ex­traor­di­nary beau­ti­ful clock­work and tin­plate toys in glass cases that are for sale for thou­sands of dol­lars and then tr y to re­call who you gave yours away to when you were clean­ing out the cup­boards at your grand­par­ents’ old house 40 years ago.

26. Stop and chat to a bloke who used to be in your car club and while you are talk­ing watch some­one pick up the grille for the ’32 Ford you have been search­ing the en­tire day to find.

27. De­cide it is worth­while stock­ing up on some chrome pol­ish while it is cheap. When you get home and go to put it on the shelf in the shed you re­alise you have done ex­actly the same thing three years in a row and not used any of it.

28. Buy an­other old Stan­ley knife (the rare red model), to join seven oth­ers al­ready on the bench.

29. Grab a cheap pack of twenty dis­pos­able work­shop rub­ber gloves and get the wrong size.

30. Eat a pie for din­ner. Some of these maybe based on per­sonal ex­pe­ri­ence.

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