Overwhelming fear that leaving will put your life at risk

“I was going to die if I stayed but I knew I could die if I left.”

It is the situation so many women face when they want to escape family violence.

To the uninformed observer, it is so often said “why doesn’t she just leave.” But, for “Kathy” (not her real name) the choice was distorted by the overwhelming fear that leaving would place her and her three young children at risk.

“The fear was always there that if you leave, you will die,” Kathy says.

For 13 years Kathy lived in an abusive relationship of coercive control. Her husband manipulated and controlled her life, carefully and deviously isolating her from family and friends to the point that she felt incredibly alone and totally dependent on him.

He controlled her money, commented on what she wore, accompanied her to the hairdressers and inspected their car daily for any dirt or scratches on his “pride and joy.” She was laughed at and shamed..

Kathy lived in fear of stepping one foot wrong. He preyed on her at a vulnerable age when she was just 19-years-old and in the following years he stole her self-esteem, making her feel worthless.

Her story is not uncommon - the sense of being trapped in a relationship after losing all sense of control. “I was like a beaten dog.”

“I just felt like this was what I deserved because he groomed me to feel that way,” she says.

After their second child, Kathy suggested they get married. She thought it would change his behaviour, give him a sense of commitment because marriage was sacred.

But, she says, it was all a part of the game. “There was always the sense that I’ll give you something but you give me something in return.”

“Once he sucked me in and took ownership of me he completely crushed my self esteem and then there was no way out. Gaslighting was a big part of it.

“I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t put two words together. He had already isolated me from my family and friends. The friends I had were his friends so I didn’t have anyone I could turn to.

“He developed a system where he would just bite his bottom lip and that was my cue that oh shit, I’m in trouble and I’d have to tip toe on egg shells.

Kathy says there was only one incident of physical violence. It was early in their relationship and she was pregnant with their first child. She told him if he ever hit her again, she would leave.

But, she says, the psychological abuse was 100 times worse than physical abuse. “Sometimes I wanted him to hit me so I had evidence because he was crushing my soul.”

Their three children became Kathy’s coping mechanism but it was a move from the city to the country that became the turning point. Unable to secure work locally, Kathy’s husband was forced to continue working in the city, only returning home on Wednesday nights and for weekends.

For three days and nights a week Kathy found a freedom she had never experienced. Then she began experiencing panic attacks on Wednesdays and Fridays ahead of his return.

“I realised I had this freedom and then I would withdraw into my old self. I realised this is not okay, this is not right.

It was the impetus for Kathy to turn to a psychologist. At the end of her first session she was shocked to be told “you are a victim of family violence.”

“From earlier sexual abuse I’d endured, I thought this is how women are supposed to be treated, we are objects and there for men’s sexual pleasure.

It took Kathy 12 months to leave. It was a carefully planned decision to reduce her risk and keep herself and her children safe.

Why hadn’t she left earlier? Because he told her he would kill her and the kids if she tried to leave. He also threatened to kill himself. And, common among perpetrators he told her “if I can’t have you, no one will.”

“When a woman leaves she is most at risk of being murdered so you don’t leave because you know that this time he might erupt.

“But the woman is the expert in this scenario. She will do everything possible to make the decision to leave when the support systems are in place for her.

“I was going to die if I stayed but I knew I could die if I left. I was really strategic, I was a mastermind of keeping myself safe. Once I left I went into hiding for three months.

Kathy and her children, aged four, seven and 11-years-old, were safe after years of abuse. They had escaped a man that thrived on toxic masculinity. “The worse he treated me the more respect he got from his friends. They called him the god.”

Kathy’s lived experience is historic. The young children she escaped with are now adults and Kathy was determined to break the cycle to ensure her children could sustain healthy, respectful relationships with their partners. “I didn’t want this trauma to be passed down.”

More than 20 years later she still seeks support but says she has built herself into a strong, positive person and through her work she hopes she can help others. By sharing her story and working as a prevention of violence project co-ordinator, she hopes she can make a difference.

And Kathy has a message to “watch out for each other more.” Whether it is a family member, friend, work colleague, team mate or neighbour, be aware and ask the question “are you ok, do you feel safe at home.”

“The woman may not answer truthfully but it may give her something to think about. As a society we need to step up but people don’t know how.

“I am very grateful for what happened to me because it’s made me who I am today. It has given me courage to talk and help and create awareness in the community,” she says.

This article relates to family violence, violence against women and children and sexual assault that may confront or disturb readers.

If you are in immediate danger contact police on 000.

For 24 hour counselling and support contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732; Safe Steps on 1800 015 188.

If you have experienced sexual assault, call the Gippsland Centre Against Sexual Assault 5134 3922 (business hours) or 1800 806 292 (outside business hours)

For assistance contact Gippsland Family Violence Alliance 5143 1600 or go to www.gippslandfamilyviolencealliance.com.au

If you are concerned about your behaviour, contact Men’s Referral Service 1300 766 491.

“Once he sucked me in and took ownership of me he completely crushed my self esteem and then there was no way out.”