OUR FUTURE’S PREGNANT WITH POSSIBILITIES
Any amount of great things could happen in 2018 so long as I stick to a few simple personal guidelines
IT’S a sign of the times.
Financial contractions have started, the water (well, champagne) has been broken … baby new year 2018 is on its way.
So why does it feel like we just did all this six weeks ago? Surely it’s not possible to get ourselves into this situation so soon after the last time?
I mean, we’re still nursing 2017 … metaphorically speaking. Perhaps it’s just age. The older we get, the faster these little years grow.
Alas, there is no effective form of new year contraception.
On the bright side, 2018 is pregnant with possibilities.
From the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games kicking off in April to the ever-present possibility that Donald Trump may fatally overdose on fake tanner, anything could happen.
To make sure that it’s not s*** that happens, I’ve composed the following personal guidelines … with a due date of January 1.
1. Focus on health: This is less #fitspo and more #embarrassingbodies. Two weeks ago, I suddenly felt shooting pains down my left arm, followed by a numb sensation. Couple this with some heartburn and I was certain I was experiencing a heart attack. No, I reassured myself, I’m too young! And then remembered that I’m 41. And a half. Half an hour later I was undergoing an ECG at the GP. The diagnosis? I’d strained my arm carrying floaties at Wet’n’Wild water park the day before. To be honest, the shame nearly brought on a legit cardiac episode. So it’s upper body weight training for me. Alternatively, no more Wet’n’Wild. Pretty sure I can accurately predict the future on this one.
2. Exercise more: This made it to the list after I decided to go for a bike ride the other day. I knew it had been a fair pause between pedals, but the serious nature of my sedentary behaviour was only driven home when I strapped on my helmet. As I felt drops of water fall on my face, I figured I must have left my stackhat out in the rain. Unbuckling it to dry off, I discovered an entire nest of ants had taken up residence in my helmet. And now were frolicking on my face and in my hair. This episode did at least encourage me to complete my first triathlon – consisting of a screaming sprint through the house followed by a plunge into the pool. There’s nothing quite like the smell of dead, drowned ants in your hair to make you realise that something has to change.
3. Learn to Snapgram: Shut up, I know that’s not the correct name. But between Snapchat, Instagram stories, Facebook live and whatever app is next, I’m totally in the weeds. Which is fine except that I own two tweens who can navigate their way through this new world like nobody’s business. And that means I have to make it my business. So expect to see lots of videos of my pets, as well as accidental live feeds from public toilets (yes, this has already happened; yes, my kids showed me how to delete it).
4. Beat my addiction: I’m a grown ass woman … so why can’t I stop listening to Taylor Swift? Even my daughter is ashamed of my behaviour. At this stage it looks like there’s no other option than to just go cold turkey. Which would be a great name for her next album.
5. Spend more time in the kitchen: Sorry, husband. Not cooking, renovating. But I do promise a fantastic new
workspace for you to feed our family. #feminism
6. Spend more (time) in Kmart: Just keeping it real, y’all. I mean, why would I spend less time there? I just found a $7 glow-in-the-dark wall clock with a moon face. It’s dreams like this that keep me excited for 2018.
7. Stop driving in the bus lane: It’s not just millennials who are blessed with a sense of entitlement. But honestly, until someone fixes the traffic situation, you’re probably still gonna catch me flying by in that empty lane. #mumsbus
8. Buy Bitcoin: Yes, I know it’s probably a bubble and it’s investing something (cash money) in something that’s really nothing (crypto currency), but I’ve got major FOMO (fear of missing out). Especially after watching friends make more than $100k in a matter of weeks. Screw managed funds and #adulting, it’s 2018 and I’m totes in it to win it. Or, you know, go broke.
9. Stop saying totes: It’s totes just making me sound like an old tool.
10. Stop making resolutions. #nailedit