VEGOS: KEEP YOUR MEAT-FREE MITTS OFF OUR BELOVED PIES
FOUR’N TWENTY, the home of the Aussie meat pie, has just released a meat-free version. It looks like a pie, it’s packaged like a pie, but instead of a delicious mixture of meat by-products and animal offcuts, it will contain soybased plant protein mince. I can hear the apology now from the head of the company.
We are sorry we misread you, our valued customers. We thought the public would respond positively to the product we proudly called a “meat-free pie”. We now realise such a concept is profoundly unAustralian, and we deeply apologise. We hope it is not too late to earn back your trust and confidence in our beloved company.
Anand Surujpal, general manager of marketing at parent company Patties Food Group, assured Four’N Twenty customers they won’t even know they’re eating a meat-free pie.
“It’s got the same colours, textures, the taste profile, the mouth feel, you’ve got all those elements,” he said.
Perhaps it’s because we suspect Aussie meat pies have been virtually meat-free for years.
Why do vegan products look, cook, taste, smell and even “bleed” like meat? What’s the point of vegan burgers that look like Big Macs and vegetarian-friendly pea-based sausages that look and smell like sangas? Why not just eat the real thing?
A meat pie should be sloppy and aromatic. It should have gravy, crumbly pastry and lots of yummy meaty bits (if not actual meat).
It should be eaten at the footy during half-time or in the school ground with a bin between your legs to catch the overflow. The only vegetarian aspect should be the river of rich tomato sauce injected straight from the pointy end of a sauce bottle into the meat filling.
Aussie footy pies should not have dietary credentials. They should not have five health stars. They should not excite and enthral the “vego community”.
I should stress I have nothing against vegans, vegetarians or flexitarians.
I am happy for them to have all the soy-based, plantboosted, protein-injected meat-free food they like. They can drink vegan wine, munch seaweed and tofu burgers and snack on sprouted and fermented legumes. Just stay away from our meat pies.
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist