Bringing light to the GC’S grim court parade
Whatis your client’s problem– apart from acting like an idiot?
THE jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse.
Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months. Prosecutor: (coughs) That’s not Covid, that’s Benson & Hedges. Defence lawyer (misspeaking when referring to the Crown prosecutor): While the clown is at the bar … Defence barrister: The prosecution’s really stolen my thunder … Judge (after a loud knock came from the door leading to the holding cells): I’m not sure I want to open that door. Magistrate (during technical difficulties): The US Library of Congress is putting all its important audio recordings on to vinyl because it’s more reliable than CDS. Prosecutor to lawyer: You’re the oldest so I assumed you had seniority. Lawyer to another lawyer: This must be serious … you are reading cases and you have the (criminal) code. Magistrate: Sorry about the delay … we can’t help the M1. Prosecutor: Will Your Honour take the very long matter starting with “T”?
Judge: Yes, I was hoping you would say it so I didn’t have to. Defence lawyer: How did he get to Thailand? I can’t even get to Lismore. Solicitor to judge during welcome ceremony: On a personal note, I saw your shoes as you walked in and they were amazing.
Judge (reading summary of a case): There was some “argy bargy” … as the Court of Appeal used that technical term … Magistrate (just prior to a scheduled videolink): Is there anything we can do in seven minutes?
Solicitor: I’ve got a sentence. We can give it a crack. Magistrate: I need to speak up. I was told that when I used to stand over there. (points to bar table) Magistrate (imposing drug-testing conditions on probation but not prohibiting drug use): I’m not saying this is if you slip up and have a bit of a puff when life gets too tough … not that I’m encouraging that. Judge: What is your client’s problem apart from acting like an idiot? Judge (after defendants are late): You would think it’s
an invitation to a dinner party not a court appearance. Magistrate: I used to be a criminal lawyer and I’ve been to the watchhouse a number of times … it’s not a very nice place. Magistrate: That comes to $875.
Barrister: I’m not going to challenge your maths. Barrister: There is going to be about an hour to an hour and 15 reading.
Magistrate: I read quicker than that. Magistrate: I didn’t recognise you behind the mask. Defence lawyer: Thank you. Defence lawyer to watchhouse staff after talking to cli
ent: That’s where you fellas like me. Sitting in a bloody cell out the back. Prosecutor: He was born in 1980, which makes him … I just realised I haven’t done the maths … Judge: Don’t put any disguised people in the boot of your car. Prosecutor: Do you have the file yet?
Magistrate: I don’t but we will go and get it. When I say we, I mean my clerk. Prosecutor: So the defendant alleged he was in possession of a thong?
Police officer: That’s correct. Magistrate: Do you not have a stapler?
Defence lawyer: No, I thought the prosecutor might have one and I would be saved. Magistrate: Witness time estimates, a bit like lawyer time estimates, are notoriously unreliable. Magistrate: You say he is not at risk committing further offences, let’s go through the list here … Lawyer: One might think drugs must be very, very good because she is giving up her children … Defence lawyer: Don’t hold it against him but he came here from Tasmania … Defence lawyer: I’ll just make way for my more handsome friend ...