LOW-BALL EXPECTATIONS FOR HAPPY NY
This year is bound to be better for us all, if only because it couldn’t get any worse ...
HAPPY 2022!
While I’m no astrologer, I can confidently predict this is going to be a good year.
Why? Because expectations could not be any lower. The only way is up, baby.
Even if “up” is not that far from our low 2021 baseline.
After all, if this last year has taught us anything, it’s that s--- happens.
But the great thing about that is that we can finally retire the world’s most over-used word: “unprecedented”. Because for every crazy thing that 2022 may throw at us, 2021 has us prepared.
Sadly, that preparation skill seems to have skipped our governments … can anyone explain just how we are so consistently short of the most necessary and, yes, precedented items?
From toilet paper to masks to vaccines to Covid tests … my children could have predicted and prepared for some of the worst planning disasters of this pandemic far better than the Prime Minister.
While our leaders will no doubt continue to prepare their excuses for the coming year’s crises, this master planner can do far better.
So sit yourself down and have some of that toilet paper to hand … because here’s a handy guide of how to handle the crap that 2022 will no
doubt bring.
PUT YOUR MANNERS BACK IN
From politics to the pandemic, it’s been a year of deep division. While we can hardly dare hope that 2022 might bring some unity, let’s at least prepare to bring back some civility.
And when it comes to taking social cues on courtesy, we could do far worse than look to the sharks.
Yes, the sharks.
See, the database formally known as the Australian Shark Attack File is now called the Shark Incident Database. Instead of using the word “attack", authorities will now use “bites”, “interactions” and “negative encounters”. It’s all about rehabilitating the reputation of these maneaters. I mean, human masticaters.
And if we can take such care as to not offend these fish, surely we can do the same for mankind.
Even better, given our capacity for patience is as wasted as a crate-full of Pfizer in Nimbin, let’s ban vaccine conversation entirely.
Wouldn’t that make for a happy new year indeed?
GET YOUR RESUME 2022-READY
Forget working on your summer body, it’s time to start searching for your “new year, new you” job.
Whether it’s due to the Great Resignation, vaccine mandates or this city’s growing economy, there are jobs everywhere.
Don’t wait until your dream career appears on seek.com, line up your references, boost your asking price and get to work.
BRACING FOR THE STORM
We’re a city perched beside the sea, with bushland behind us and miles of waterways threaded throughout our suburbs … we’re a little exposed when it comes to climate change.
And hey, don’t just listen to me. Even blind mystic Baba Vanga, known as the Nostradamus of the Balkans,
mentioned our country’s flooding fate in 2022 before she died in 1996.
Given the Bureau of Meteorology has declared the return of La Nina conditions, which increase the possibility of tropical cyclones and flooding in Australia, it seems Baba may be right.
After all, it’s the second La Nina year in a row for Australia and these back-to-back weather events pack a big punch – Cyclone Yasi and the Brisbane floods of 2011 both occurred during a period with a repeat La Nina.
So clear out your gutters, secure your outdoor furniture, park your cars undercover and don’t say you weren’t warned.
PROPERTY PREDICTIONS
Anyone who tells you what the market will do in 2022 is a liar or real estate agent. (So, same/same.)
While it’s anyone’s guess where our crazy housing market is headed, why not make like a Boy Scout and be prepared?
Go get your home valued, book in those renovations, fix your mortgage, pre-approve your loan … because the one sure thing for 2022 is that if you start these processes now, they should be ready by 2025.
If 2021 taught us anything, it’s that s--happens