Mel buttle “I went on more dates in primary school than any other time in my life”

Isat next to him for the entire morning tea, we talked about why Donatello is the most underrated Ninja Turtle, he revealed that he shaved his feet because he’d heard somewhere that Michael Jordan shaved his tootsies.

Then the conversation became pretty one-sided, he was way into some cartoon I’d never seen, so we weren’t destined to be together. A few days later he fleeced me for my Kareem Abdul-jabbar basketball card, and Travis and I were done. Still not the worst date I’d been on though. Some people don’t even think to offer you a piece of their Fruit Roll-up.

I went on more dates in primary school than any other time in my life. Although back then, the definition of a date was very loose. A date in primary school included being especially invited to sit next to someone when the teacher put a video on, going for a walk around the school together, or the highest honour, being chosen to dance with them in PE during bush dance practice.

I still clearly remember the mix of sheer terror and joy when one of those – do you like Grant Barltrop Y or N, tick one only – notes would be thrown on my desk. What a mental minefield they were. Had this note arrived to me because Grant likes me and wants to know if I like him back?

Or, more likely, is this just a prank, and revealing that I like Grant will be thrown in my face by the girls who do gymnastics with scrunchies and way too many plaits pinned to their head. I would always take the coward way out and add a “maybe” box. Play those ones straight down the middle: a slight nod to Grant and a firm humiliation avoidance tactic.

Should you be lucky enough to snare a boyfriend, the ending of relationships were often as confusing as the beginnings.

You knew when it was over with someone when you were made to walk in pairs holding hands to the library, and your former flame would pull his jumper sleeve down all the way over his hand. You’d then sadly waddle up to the library holding onto the sleeve of a jumper by the tips of your fingers, trying not to take this incredible snub personally. Eventually you’d rebuild your selfesteem by getting a “nice reading” sticker from the librarian, who could tell you were having a shocking morning.

The beginning of primary school relationships were also a wild ride.

A neutral party may approach you on behalf of an admirer and say: “Do you know that Mark Mogridge likes you? Anyway, just letting you know”. They’d then skip back to their friendship group and if you were keen on the offer the ball was in your court to perhaps wave at Mark and then guess what, you had yourself a boyfriend.

There’s no need from this point on to interact with Mark in any way, as long as everyone knew you were together, that’s the job done. To end the mostly silent and awkward relationship you and Mark had built over the past three days, the same go-between person would skip over to you and say: “He’s two-timing you with Lauren Mccall.” Time to scrub his name off your ruler, or cover it up with some well-placed Stussy symbols. Don’t be too disheartened though, you now had something even more elite than a boyfriend, you had an ex-boyfriend.

I still miss that Kareem Abdul-jabbar basketball card but, for all his faults, Travis was right – Donatello was, and still is, the best Ninja Turtle.