POINT OF THE POLL: HOW WE CAN ALL WIN

FIRE up the barbie, crack open a coldie and let’s settle down to watch the election.

With saturation election coverage starting from on most TV networks from 7am – many hours before the booths close – you might need something to help you stay entertained.

This game of Election Spotto is a designed to help keep you going until there’s a result, which could be anything from three hours to five days. (Or maybe 17 days if the independents follow the lead of Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor.)

Simply tune in to the election coverage and give yourself a tick when you’ve spotted the items listed below.

Five points for ABC’S election guru Antony Green predicting that the election will be “too close to call” by 9pm on the basis of exit polling. Bonus points every time he uses one of these words: bellwether, retiring member, boundary re-election, clear win or postal votes.

Two points if by 6.30pm it’s apparent that the polls were wildly inaccurate and no one’s got any idea at all what the hell’s going to happen

Three points if Scott Morrison wins and delivers a speech with any one of these phrases: It’s a miracle!; How good is Australia!; This is one for the quiet Australians!

Three points if Anthony

Albanese wins and delivers a speech talking about his mother, Maryanne, and the impact of growing up in a public housing. Bonus points if he answers all the questions without forgetting anything.

Two points if an insider from one of the major parties declares that “we can’t win, it’s over” before 8.30pm.

One point for every time you hear these phrases throughout the day: “the swing is on”, “the race is tightening” and “it looks like they are on track for a narrow victory”.

Bonus points every time the host of a TV station’s coverage says: “let’s look at the state of the parties”, “these are very early figures”, “it’s shaping up to be a three-way contest” and “it will all come down to minor party preference flows”.

Three points for spotting former PM Tony Abbott talking about the “Liberal pantheon”, Mathias Cormann going on about the “pathway to victory” or Christian Porter talking about the “importance of the rule of law”.

Ten points for spotting former education minister Alan Tudge in a hat and sunglasses up the back of the Liberal HQ party.

Five points for Clive Palmer claiming victory for his party’s 3.5 per cent vote regardless of who actually wins.

Three points for a technical malfunction that completely mucks up a TV station’s expensive, fancy digital data display that’s still displaying the 7.15pm numbers at 10 o’clock.

Two points for re-runs of footage of the Prime Minister crash-tackling a child or playing the ukulele or Albo failing to answer gotcha questions from journalists.

Lose 20 points if independents hold the balance of power.

Five points if the losing candidate makes the best speech of the political life as they announce their retirement from politics. No bonus points if it’s Albo and he walks out of his press conference without answering any questions.

One hundred points if all of those yellow ads are right and Craig Kelly is the next Prime Minister. You win (and we all lose big time).