TIME TO FACE FACTS: I COULD NEVER DO NINJAWARRIOR
Go on, admit it – you’ve watched Australian Ninja Warrior and thought, “That looks like fun.” I know I have. Sometimes I even kid myself that I could have a crack at the course. I mean, how hard can it be to jump off a trampoline onto a cargo net? But instead of hitting the gym or building a DIY Ninja Warrior course in my backyard like some go-hards, the most I’ve ever done in the way of preparation is consider what I would wear. Or, more importantly, what I wouldn’t wear – obviously, nothing baggy that could potentially dip into the water and disqualify me. Because that’s how I’d go out – on a wardrobe malfunction and not due to the fact that I am completely ill-equipped to make it up the Warped Wall.
I’m not completely deluded. I know I’d have trouble with any of the obstacles that involve hanging or swinging like a monkey. You know, those parts of the course all those rock climbers whizz through. But I’ve always believed I would be able to run really quickly across the Bridge of Blades. And as for the Quintuple Steps, I mean, any idiot could get past those, right? Of course, this season (starts Mon. Jul. 8 at 7.30pm; Nine), the steps in that preliminary stage are shorter, further apart and increase in height, but no biggie.
Recently, I got the chance to test out my skills – or lack thereof – on a Ninja Warrior course of sorts. I took my 5-year-old daughter to a trampoline and climbing centre that also has a few Ninja Warrior-style obstacles, and it was a definite reality check. Let’s just say I was the oldest one on the course by some decades. While my daughter was swinging across monkey bars with ease and her gymnasticsloving friend was climbing from one hanging frame to the next, I was pretty impressed
I didn’t fall off the balance beam. Yep, 5-yearolds would be better at Ninja Warrior than me.
Even so, I would still like to have a turn on the proper Ninja Warrior course. I used to think the same about trying my hand at Wipeout and taking on those big red balls. I like to pretend I wouldn’t run the risk of serious bodily damage and instead would have a great time running and jumping and swinging and climbing. The reality, of course, would be that I’d just end up in the pool.
But while I may never come close to climbing Mount Midoriyama, I have become a different type of Ninja Warrior expert: an armchair expert. Having watched the previous seasons, I feel perfectly qualified to sit at home and weigh in on the contestants’ performances in this new season’s episodes like a professional commentator. “Oh, yes, he didn’t jump high enough off the tramp,” or “Her problem was she didn’t take enough of a run-up,” or “He just didn’t run quickly enough across the Tuning Forks.” Like I have a clue. As it turns out, being an armchair expert is the only part of Ninja Warrior that doesn’t take hours of training to hone your skills. Anyone can do it, and it’s a whole lot of fun. •