MASTERING MONEY DIFFERENCES
ASHTON KUTCHER & MILA KUNIS Want to avoid the dreaded finances fight with your partner? Expert Vince Scully explains how
1. ACCEPT YOUR DIFFERENCES
All of us have money habits that can help or hinder us on our road to financial freedom. It’s very rare for a couple to have the same attitudes and habits around money. If they did, that could be just as much a problem if those attitudes and habits are destructive. Just as you each have different personalities, which is likely what attracted you to one another in the first place, you also have different money personalities. So, stop trying to change each other; instead, focus on making your differences work for you rather than against you.
2. AIM TO ALIGN BUT BE PREPARED TO COMPROMISE
Now that you know how and why you approach money differently, you can find a way forward that works for both of you. Never agree to disagree or reach a compromise that leaves no-one happy. A sustainable solution requires buy-in from both of you. Work at it until you get there. Whatever you do, keep talking. Watch out for the two most dangerous money phrases: “Whatever you think, sweetheart”, and, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it under control”. If you don’t understand, keep talking until you do. If it’s too complicated to explain, don’t do it.
3. SET MONEY GOALS TOGETHER
Shared money goals are essential. Make sure your goals address the needs and wants of both of you, because your shared goals are only sustainable if you both feel that “our goals are more important than my goals”. Create shared goals for spending, saving and debts.
4. SCHEDULE REGULAR ‘MONEY MOMENTS’
Think about your last money fight. Were you
tired or preoccupied? Maybe you just got home from work, or were watching TV. These are the worst times to talk about money. Schedule a regular time – I call it a “money moment” – when both of you are relaxed and free of distractions. Have a glass of wine if that’s something you enjoy. But never mix a date night with your money moment. Enjoy them separately! Use your money moment to review where you’re at financially, identify issues and set goals.
5. ALLOW FOR GUILTFREE SPENDING
I usually counsel against keeping secrets in a relationship, but there is one secret all couples should keep from each other. I encourage clients to set up a separate fund in their budgets for personal spending. This is designed to be their own personal secret stash, to be spent as they see fit. No questions, no guilt and no recriminations. When you’re tracking your spending, you only need to count the transfer into this account. Where it goes is nobody’s business – as long as it’s legal! It doesn’t have to be big; it’s totally up to you. For me, there is nothing less romantic than a surprise gift that was paid for from the joint account.
6. AGREE ON ALL EXPENSES OVER A CERTAIN THRESHOLD
Forgiveness may seem easier to get than permission, but harmonious couple finances just don’t work well that way. Agree on a threshold where both parties must agree on spending above this amount (for things not already in the budget). The limit will vary depending on how tight your budget is. The upshot of this is not to sweat the small stuff. If you can do it within your budget without pushing anything else out, just do it.
7. BRING IN A THIRD PARTY
A financial coach can get your finances soaring. A good coach has seen it all when it comes to couples’ finances. A good coach is part psychologist, part accountant, but most of all, someone with the perspective of an outsider to help you discuss and mitigate issues.