TALKING TO YOUR TEEN
Struggling to break down the emotional and mental barriers of your teenagers? Adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-gregg and child and teen researcher Elly Robinson share simple tricks to make talking to your son or daughter a whole lot easier.
1 DISCONNECT
Both of you have to disengage from technology to achieve any worthwhile dialogue. This means discarding, muting or turning off the mobile, and turning off the TV. No significant or remarkable exchange can take place when one or both parties are distracted by a screen.
2 LOCATION, LOCATION
Think about the physical location where you’re attempting to engage with your teenager. Restaurants and cafes can be good if everyone is technology-free. Some teens will think best when they’re active, so ditch the intense conversation across the dinner table and go for a stroll through your local park. A drive in the car is also a good strategy – your child is captive and neither of you have to make uncomfortable eye contact.
3 MOOD KILLER
Solutions to problems are unlikely to be found if one or both of you are exhausted or frustrated. Wait until each party is in a more calm and agreeable state of mind. Express your feelings (“I’m too exhausted to have this conversation right now, let’s leave it and make it another time”) and acknowledge your teen’s feelings (“Let me make sure I understand. You’re saying you feel…”).
4 BE CLEAR & CONCISE
Try not to sugar-coat what you’re saying: get straight to the point. Because of their still-developing brains, a teen’s attention span is not long. So get to your point quickly, repeat it, use concrete images and pay attention to them.
5 LEARN THE CULTURE
Enter your teenager’s own world and be familiar with what’s important to them. Play with social media, watch popular teen shows or movies, and read articles about the latest video games and apps. This isn’t an exercise in trying to inhabit your teenager’s world, it’s an exercise in sharing a common understanding and taking an interest in what’s important to them.
6 DON’T OVER-CONTROL
Avoid trying to control the situation. Ultimatums will rarely work – they trigger
your teenager’s inherent sensitivity to control. Negotiate, negotiate and then negotiate some more. The trick is to aim for a compromise where everyone wins.
7 ADDRESS THE PROBLEM
Try saying, “Your lack of respect for your grandfather today was not OK,” then give a clear and specific example of what was not acceptable and how to do it differently, rather than saying something like, “You’re such a brat!”
8 BE EMPATHETIC
Give your teenager the impression both parents are on the same page. If you’re not, save the debate for when you and the other parent are alone. United, you stand. Divided, you are cactus!
9 THE PAST IS THE PAST
Don’t constantly remind them of past mistakes. Adolescence is a time of trial and error. Mistakes are common and expected. Constantly reminding your teenager (with evident relish) about past mistakes makes it less likely they’ll tell you if they mess up again.
10 LET IT GO
One of the most annoying things parents often do is comment on everything their teenager says or does. Parents who engage in a running commentary substantially reduce the likelihood of receiving any information in the future. It’s irritating having someone constantly commenting on your every action.