Supporting a friend through DOMESTIC ABUSE
Lysn psychologist BREANNA JAYNE SADA explains what you can do to help a loved one
Recognising an abusive relationship, whether it be physical or nonphysical, can be very challenging partly because the abuser’s behaviour can be remarkably different in front of others to when they’re in private with their partner. If you’re concerned about a friend’s relationship, here are some practical, supportive ways you can help.
WARNING SIGNS
Looking for physical signs of abuse like recurring bruises or injuries can be telling, but there are many forms of non-physical abuse that won’t have any obvious outward signs. Control is the fundamental element of most abusive relationships. It can be financial control, trying to control social relationships and interaction or monitoring a partner’s movements and phone use.
If you become aware of behaviours that have been imposed on a friend or loved one by their partner, or you see a significant change in behaviour to compensate for their partner’s wishes that does not align with their own values or interests, this might be a sign to check in on their wellbeing.
START THE CONVERSATION
A great attitude to bring to this conversation is care and curiosity. If you appear confrontational or want to lecture them you will likely lose their trust. It can be helpful to ask some open-ended questions to promote conversation if you want to know more about the relationship.
If you are worried about them, don’t hesitate to tell them. It can be helpful to point out what you’ve noticed that has concerned you, followed up with an open ended question. For example, “I noticed that whenever your partner is around you don’t seem yourself and you have stopped calling me, and today you told me he threw out some of your dresses he thought were too short. I’m worried about you, is everything OK?”
SUPPORT & EMPOWER
It’s OK to tell your friend you’re worried about them and gently plant the idea that what’s happening to them might not be OK or part of a healthy relationship. It can be helpful to call a behaviour what it is. For example, they might not have the perspective to recognise manipulation or gaslighting (manipulating someone to question their own sanity), and you can be a sounding board d and bring this to their attention, gently.
It will be helpful to empower your r loved one who, if they are being abused, might be lacking self-esteem or confidence. Remind them that they have the tools and strength to overcome these challenges and point them in the direction of professional support port so they can empower ower themselves as well. ell.
LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT THOUT NT
Though you might have the best of intentions, it can be counterproductive to go gung ho and suggest you help them pack their stuff and move out if that’s not what they want to do. Instead, you should aim to listen to them and be there for support, pointing them in the direction of professional help as needed, and importantly continue your relationship so they have a consistent source of assistance.
If your friend or loved one is feeling judged or that they’re to blame for what’s happening they might shut down and avoid this topic with you in the future. Comments like, “You should just leave” or “I can’t believe you put up with that,” are dismissive and don’t acknowledge the complexity of what they’re going through.
EXTRA SUPPORT
If a friend expresses they don’t want to talk about their relationship, it’s important to respect this and let them know you’re there if and when they would like to talk. You can also help to make them aware of other services and supports that are available to them. Like Lysn, which provides access to real-time video consultations with psychologists, giving those seeking mental health care access to qualified psychologists, wherever they are, whenever they need it. Or the 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) support line, which also has apps like Daisy and Sunny, which are free to download. This means they can get credible information and be linked up to local support services when they’re ready.
A SAFETY PLAN
This is a plan they could follow if and when they feel help is needed. It might involve them contacting professional support or emergency services, or contacting you and using a code word so you know they need extra support like you to come over and get them. In an emergency, always call 000. If you or someone you know is affected by domestic violence, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.ORG.AU for free, confidential advice and support 24/7.