HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
We take a look at why more couples are divorcing later in life
Simone and Ravi were one of those couples other married people thought of as perfect. They had a successful small business, three amazing kids and spoke of more ups than downs when they saw friends.
So when the time came for Simone, 43, to tell family and friends that the 18-year marriage was over, their surprise said it all. “Everyone was shocked,” she says. “From my mum to the neighbours and our work team, no one could believe it.”
Worse than shock was the sadness that they responded with.
“A mum from school burst into tears because she said if we couldn’t make it together, how could anyone else? Everyone thought we were solid. That was part of the problem – nobody knew we’d been drifting apart for years.”
The average age for divorce is increasing according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, with women aged 40 to 44 most likely to divorce, up from 38 in 2000. According to the most recent ABS data, almost 50,000 divorces were granted in Australia in 2020. Since divorce requires a minimum 12-month separation under Australian law, those couples called it quits in 2019 or earlier, so it’s officially too early to know what impact COVID is having. But we all know someone whose relationship didn’t make it through pandemic lockdowns, working from home and home-schooling.
“While it’s too soon to see any trends, the stigma around seeking mental health support – which includes relationship difficulties – is slowly reducing and more people are definitely reaching out,” says clinical psychologist Julie Fox.
WHY IT’S HAPPENING
Through her work at women’s only telehealth psychology service Pynk Health, Julie says women considering divorce in the past couple of years are often motivated by their own unhappiness.
“COVID made us slow down and take stock of our lives. For some women, it confirmed their relationship had deteriorated to a point where it wasn’t able to recover, potentially accelerating the end of marriages.”
Divorce mentor Kate Boyden says COVID conditions were a “pressure cooker” for some marriages, saying, “Too much time together and not being able to escape for some breathing space made the last couple of years really difficult for some couples.”
Other relationships fell apart due to cost of living and housing worries.
CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING
Whatever the reason, when a couple agrees to move ahead as individuals rather than together, professional guidance improves the chance of doing it amicably.
“Divorce requires a conscious effort from both parties
to take responsibility for their own personal development and healing,” says Kate, a former lawyer who has coached hundreds of women through divorce. “Success is heightened if both parties are still respectful towards each other and often that’s with the assistance of an experienced coach or therapist.” Julie agrees having a professional on board can shift the balance towards the mindful style of conscious uncoupling made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin in 2014. “Conscious uncoupling is a staged process where couples separate from each other without hard feelings, resentment or unhappiness,” says Julie. “Being prepared and having the right support as early as possible is extremely important.”
THE PRACTICALITIES
Practical support is also available when filing for divorce or trying to untangle family responsibilities and finances.
“Divorce is actually the easiest part of separating,” Kate says, adding that after 12 months living apart, one or both partners can file the necessary paperwork to the Federal Circuit and Family Law Court, with or without the help of lawyers.
Once a divorce is granted, negotiations regarding parenting and division of assets can be finalised, typically within the next 12 months. “These more emotive aspects of separation like deciding on shared care of children and distribution of assets tend to be more challenging,” says Kate. Planning how to respond when someone asks why you’re breaking up is helpful, especially if you both agree on what to say before going public. “It can be short, like, ‘We did have some happy times but for that to continue for both of us, we need to be apart,’” Julie suggests.
Divorce isn’t easy but remembering that the marriage began with love, hope and optimism can make for a mindful resolution, Julie adds. “The sooner a couple can get on the same page, the more likely a relationship can end in a respectful way, which reduces stress for everyone involved.”