Singing Out Loud, and Other Feats of Courage
When trying to face your fears, it is easy to say no. But it can be far more satisfying to say yes.
This was the approach taken by Henry Alford, who explained in The Times that he had found himself lurching “zombielike into middle age” and therefore decided to bring a spirit of unpredictability back into his life. In doing so, he took the lead from Shonda Rhimes, the creator of the television show “Grey’s Anatomy,” who had vowed at the end of 2013 to spend the coming year saying yes to new opportunities.
His version involved a month of activities that took him out of his comfort zone. On his list: taking a class in the Japanese dance form butoh; dining alone in a restaurant where he was likely to see people he knew; and playing the guitar and singing in front of guests in his brother’s home.
During the month, Mr. Alford wondered whether such a challenge would bring starker results for people who lacked confidence, whereas he was “fairly confident but sometimes unmotivated.” But he ultimately decided that the concept of defying fear was more effective than merely following a to- do list. Although he declined some tasks out of consideration for others involved, in the end, he wrote, he was “pleased by the results.”
The Times writer Sarah Lyall also took up a challenge of saying yes, and in her case each instance involved participating in immersive theater productions. Normally, she wrote, she avoids things like wearing costumes, marching, chanting and speaking spontaneously into a microphone. But New York’s current theater scene offers audiences plenty of chances to become part of the show. And that was how she found herself attending 10 events in which the challenges included being “harangued by a fake chef wielding a real knife” and sprayed with water in “a play about hurricanes and other unhappy subjects.”
Ms. Lyall found comfort in having a friend accompany her to most of the events, but was also relieved to experience some of them on her own. That meant that no one she knew was there to see her clamor “to be the one to take charge of saving us from death by fake zombie.” But far from feeling alone, several of the experiences led her to feel connected to the performers and her fellow audience members.
These fears to be confronted often build up over time, and many start in childhood. Instead of taking on challenges or even everyday tasks, children at times say that they cannot do something rather than risk failure.
“Some children pretend to be incompetent so they won’t have to out themselves as actually incompetent,” Jessica Lahey wrote in The Times, while others “give up before they begin to avoid disappointment, frustration or embarrassment.”
In such cases, the advice given by Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychologist, is that parents and teachers should “encourage anxious kids to face difficult situations while empowering them to work through their anxiety.” The trick, Ms. Lahey wrote, “is to know when to hold back and let children struggle a bit, and when to help out when a task is truly beyond their ability.” And it is important to be positive and supportive.
After all, learning how to face their fears at a young age can help them do so later as adults. And they may find that it is easier than they expected, and even enjoyable.