Positive Reactions to Negative Emotions
Grudges, whether petty or serious, can last for years, even decades. But what does holding a grudge really get us?
Some research shows that grudges can be harmful to our longterm health.
“Holding on to a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master,” Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, told The Times.
“Whenever you can’t grieve and assimilate what has happened, you hold it in a certain way,” he added. “If it’s bitterness, you hold it with anger. If it’s hopeless, you hold it with despair. But both of those are psycho-physiological responses to an inability to cope, and they both do mental and physical damage.”
A 2006 study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology as part of the Stanford Forgiveness Project found that forgiveness training may reduce anger as a coping style, and thereby may reduce stress on the immune and cardiovascular systems. Further, a study published this year found that carrying anger into old age is associated with higher levels of inflammation and chronic illness.
But some people argue that holding a grudge is a good thing.
Sophie Hannah, a crime novelist, used her experience in therapy to write the book “How to Hold a Grudge.” She believes that grudges are not a negative feeling, but a story that one can learn from.
“When there’s some kind of suboptimal thing that somebody has done to us, the grudge is our story that we remember about that incident, because it benefits you to have that story remembered,” she told The Times.
A lively grudge can also console and validate, creating space to acknowledge that something bad happened. If you don’t let things bother you, Ms. Hannah said, you’re robbing yourself of the opportunity to work through negative emotions.
As part of her process, Ms. Hannah suggests writing down a grudge story to analyze what happened and to provide space to make the negative feelings more manageable.
“We’re getting it out of ourselves so we’re not stuck in a feeling,” she said.
The next thing to do, she said, is to rewrite the narrative: “If I could rewrite this story changing only my behavior, what would I change?”
Constructing a grudge in this way can make us feel like an active participant in the situation rather than a victim.
This reframing may uncover the need to acknowledge an offense or failure. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University in Washington, said that it is important to know when an apology is in order.
According to a 2016 study, there are six steps to an effective apology. You must express regret, explain what went wrong, acknowledge responsibility, declare repentance, offer a solution and request forgiveness.
This isn’t easy. It actually feels good not to apologize.
A study published in The European Journal of Social Psychology found that people who refused to apologize after a mistake felt more powerful and had higher self-esteem than those who did not refuse.
But while not apologizing may feel good personally, it doesn’t help in getting along with others.
“If you’ve done something that has major negative consequences for someone else,” Dr. Tannen said, “it’s important to acknowledge if you value the health of the relationship.”