Tied Up In Knots!
When is the necktie going to go out of fashion?
I have to start this column by saying straight away that I hate ties. I dread every wedding or funeral I have to go to because I then have to wear one. They are stifling and senseless and I feel as if I am being strangled every time I wear one. So I am, apparently, one of the few people who could sympathise with Werner Kogler for deciding not to wear one when taking his oath of office as Vice-Chancellor at the Austrian President’s official residence.
As usual, some people found fault with this and, this being Austria, made a mountain out of a molehill out of the fact that Kogler refused to wear a tie. I found the whole matter refreshingly honest. He almost never wears a tie so why should he start wearing one now? In fact, how did we get here in the first place? Well, the whole thing with neckties started during the Thirty Years’ War in France, when Louis XIII hired some Croatian mercenaries who wore a red piece of cloth around their necks as part of their uniform. The king was so taken with this detail that he started to wear something similar and forced men at court to wear one at royal gatherings. From these somewhat shady origins the tie continued to develop and form part of men’s fashion (and sometimes women’s fashion) for the next 250 years or so. Hard to belief but this impractical piece of clothing has survived wars, famines and the vicissitudes of sartorial design.
Even more folly, several different ways how to tie the knot were “invented” which has lead to people being tied up in knots when it comes to tying a necktie properly. The names range from Four in Hand Knot to Windsor Knot, Double Knot, Diagonal Knot, New Classic and many more! Wearing a tie became synonymous with looking smart and was taken up by the military and by the business community. Many male employees were (and still are!) reprimanded in some companies and banks if they turn up for work without a tie. Luckily for us men modern giants like Google have enforced a casual style at work. They have come to understand that employees who are comfortable in their clothes will have less stress when at work resulting in a healthy working atmosphere. So why not do away with this annoying garment completely? I am no doctor and I have no scientific study to back me up, but when I wear a tie I feel as if less blood is flowing to my brain due to the pressure of the tie on the carotid artery in the neck. Have you noticed how red-faced people who are slightly overweight are when they wear a tie? Besides, at a certain age one’s arteries begin to clog up anyway so there is no need to intensify that feeling and go knocking on death’s door to remind him of your date!
As to Werner Kogler, let the man be as he is! His actions are perfectly logical: with half the ministers of the cabinet being women, any tie worn will not survive long. Not with carnival around the corner, when women will bring out their scissors to cut off any tie they see around any man’s neck. I have to say that the “Weiberfasching” is a tradition after my own heart. I often think that women give ties to their frustrating men as Christmas presents in the hope that they will have a stroke in the coming year, but have a change of heart by carnival time and give their annoying loved ones a reprieve by cutting those same ties off! Come to think of it, if this happened more often men would give up wearing the damned things forever.
After all this diatribe against ties you might think I have none in my wardrobe but you would be wrong! I have many different coloured and zany ties which I hoard and use in many theatrical productions. Nothing shows better how ridiculous men look than a silly tie tied up too short or too long. Ask President Trump!