Britain Today E

Colin Beaven takes a humorous look at Britain and the Brits

We should never go out without the right equipment. We’re told this again and again. But do we listen? Even in summer, the unexpected happens. Our weather can be very British and, every year, people get stuck on mountains wearing not much more than a pair of old flip-flops.

It’s surprising when there are so many fancy products for those who like to go outdoors. In fact, there’s a chain of shops called Go Outdoors. I find it hard to shop there: I walk in, see the sign saying “Go Outdoors” and walk straight back out.

Fortunately, they have other customers who aren’t so quick to do as they’re told. The real rebels, though, are the ones who ignore advice and go hiking without the right kit – without even a crossword or sudoku puzzle to do while they’re waiting for the helicopter to rescue them.

It’s not just a problem on dry land. Every year, coastguards and lifeboats have to fish huge numbers of holidaymakers out of the sea because they’ve been overambitious, underequipped or simply unlucky – or a combination of all three.

In towns, too, preparation is everything. Never go for a walk without a bicycle. Everyone else on the pavement has one, so if you’re out on foot, it isn’t long before you have to jump out of the way and into the path of an oncoming bus to avoid serious injury.

It’s also wise to wear bright clothing and carry a light. Cyclists never have lights. They wouldn’t want to risk them being stolen. Or they think it looks cool. Or they enjoy startling pedestrians. Or a combination of all three. And if cyclists are travelling in opposite directions along the same pavement, which of them has right of way? That’s obvious: the one with the Deliveroo bag.

The company that delivers so many of the nation’s takeaways has a logo that acts like a flashing blue light. Everyone scatters when emergency portions of spicy chicken wings are in transit.

Perhaps the people who deliver pizza really should be classed as an emergency service – alongside the police, the fire brigade and ambulances. That might even persuade Deliveroo to start paying them a decent wage.

I doubt that cyclists will ever cycle logically. So, I’ll just have to cope psychologically. The right mentality helps, but what you really need is the HarleyDavidson of the pavement: a mobility scooter. It’s the only thing that’ll make a cyclist slow down, especially if your mobility scooter has extra mirrors and very loud music. And great big, thick bumpers, of course – like the ones dodgems have at a fair. Bumpers are so important now that the streets are filling up with e-scooters.

You can see why people like to spend their time out in the hills in the middle of nowhere. If only they took the right equipment with them – to keep themselves warm while they’re waiting to be rescued by an emergency service – and, of course, a voucher for ten per cent off their first order from Deliveroo.