Hard time ac­cept­ing his out­side child

Daily Nation (Barbados) - - Luck & Love - –V – THOMAS – CHRIS­TINE

Dear Chris­tine,

I HAVE BEEN in­volved with a guy for the past three-anda-half years. We are now en­gaged.

In the be­gin­ning, ev­ery­thing was great. What I didn’t know was that he had a baby on the way. I learned about it from the mother of his child dur­ing a phone call to my work­place.

He told me he was sorry and that he would han­dle it. I knew the sit­u­a­tion would be hard to ac­cept, but I sup­pressed my feel­ings in­stead of be­ing hon­est about them.

This woman calls the house when­ever she feels like it and de­mands to speak to my fiancé. She is usu­ally rude. She has told him she does not want to have me in the child’s life.

I have tried to deal with this, but my fiancé’s in­fi­delity and his hav­ing a child with an­other woman still hurts like it hap­pened yes­ter­day. The child is now two years old. What ad­vice can you give? Dear V,

I’ll try to give you some ad­vice but you must be pre­pared to do what’s best for you. It is clear that you and your fiancé have un­re­solved is­sues to deal with. It’s time to be open and hon­est and it’s time that bound­aries be set.

This woman should not be able to call your home and be rude to you.

I strongly rec­om­mend that you start pre­mar­i­tal and cou­ples coun­selling right away. Your fiancé knew he had got­ten a girl preg­nant be­fore he started a re­la­tion­ship with you. He should have been hon­est. What other in­for­ma­tion might he also have for­got­ten to men­tion? And why would he tol­er­ate the abu­sive be­hav­iour that the child’s mother is dish­ing out to you?

If you want to be treated with the re­spect you de­serve, you must as­sert your­self. If you don’t get the re­spect, then I ad­vise you to ditch this man. Dear Chris­tine,

I HAVE just re­turned home and I am newly sin­gle after a 32-year mar­riage. Would you please ex­plain to me the pro­to­col re­gard­ing in­ti­macy?

After how many dates is it ap­pro­pri­ate to en­gage in in­ti­macy? And after­ward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait be­fore call­ing? I’m afraid if I call too soon, I’ll ap­pear needy, and if I wait too long to call, I’ll ap­pear to be a player. Dear Thomas,

When an in­di­vid­ual has reached mid­dle age, that per­son is con­sid­ered ma­ture enough to know when he (or she) is com­fort­able enough with an­other per­son to en­gage in “in­ti­macy”. No time limit is en­graved in stone.

As to who should call whom first, there is no rea­son to stand on cer­e­mony. Ev­ery­one likes a com­pli­ment. A prompt “Thank you for a won­der­ful time; it was great”, is not con­sid­ered needy. It is called good man­ners.

Take things slowly and be re­spect­ful of the other per­son. Most im­por­tant, en­gage in lots of con­ver­sa­tion and get to know her.

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