Hard time accepting his outside child
I HAVE BEEN involved with a guy for the past three-anda-half years. We are now engaged.
In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn’t know was that he had a baby on the way. I learned about it from the mother of his child during a phone call to my workplace.
He told me he was sorry and that he would handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but I suppressed my feelings instead of being honest about them.
This woman calls the house whenever she feels like it and demands to speak to my fiancé. She is usually rude. She has told him she does not want to have me in the child’s life.
I have tried to deal with this, but my fiancé’s infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday. The child is now two years old. What advice can you give? Dear V,
I’ll try to give you some advice but you must be prepared to do what’s best for you. It is clear that you and your fiancé have unresolved issues to deal with. It’s time to be open and honest and it’s time that boundaries be set.
This woman should not be able to call your home and be rude to you.
I strongly recommend that you start premarital and couples counselling right away. Your fiancé knew he had gotten a girl pregnant before he started a relationship with you. He should have been honest. What other information might he also have forgotten to mention? And why would he tolerate the abusive behaviour that the child’s mother is dishing out to you?
If you want to be treated with the respect you deserve, you must assert yourself. If you don’t get the respect, then I advise you to ditch this man. Dear Christine,
I HAVE just returned home and I am newly single after a 32-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy?
After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I’m afraid if I call too soon, I’ll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call, I’ll appear to be a player. Dear Thomas,
When an individual has reached middle age, that person is considered mature enough to know when he (or she) is comfortable enough with another person to engage in “intimacy”. No time limit is engraved in stone.
As to who should call whom first, there is no reason to stand on ceremony. Everyone likes a compliment. A prompt “Thank you for a wonderful time; it was great”, is not considered needy. It is called good manners.
Take things slowly and be respectful of the other person. Most important, engage in lots of conversation and get to know her.